pieces of his girl

2011 in review

2012-02-13T04:09:00.002-09:00

I realize that I am lateposting my year in review but I seem to have forgotten until now that I do thisat the end of every year. So… better late than never.

2011 has been a good year for me as far as finally ending destructiverelationships. I have had a long battle with holding on to people out of guilteven though they have no business in my life. It has been so freeing to removewhat amounted to poison from my emotional wellbeing. There were 4 keyrelationships that were based on guilt. Starting from the first to the last ittook most of the year to end them all but it seemed that as each one ended itgave me more confidence to face the next.

My basic support system did take a hard hit leaving me on myown quite a bit of the time which I am not used to. This has ended up helpingme realize strengths I didn’t know I had as well as bringing up weaknesses I thoughtI had overcome. The fact that the mental health clinic is still not able toprovide a long term therapist for me is an issue I am continuously working on. Ifind it very difficult to have to repeatedly rebuild a level of trust withevery new therapist they put me with while trying to still gain ground on myissues.

All in all it was a year of many changes for me, which leadsto quite a bit of upheaval in my mental health at times. Saying 2011 was not mymost stable year could be understated. I do look forward to the rewards fromthose changes though and things hopefully mellowing throughout 2012.

For all of you that have been there for me or read my blog…thanks for your support and I do hope you continue

char

on a side note... i had thought i posted this weeks ago, it was brought to my attention i had not, so it was even later than intended.

Regaining control of life

2011-11-26T22:32:00.001-09:00

Lately things in mylife have been taking on a life of their own, somehow the careful balance I tryto maintain to keep things together has escaped me and I’m finding even littleissues overwhelming. I actually managed to have my first panic attack inprobably 8 or 9 months the other night, I did catch it early enough thatreaching out and calling the mental health on call person to talk me down tookcare of the worst part of it, but the problem I have is what is going so wrongthat I am losing my grip on things? I have been thinking about it and believeit is a combination of things that are forming “the perfect storm” 1^stI’m still not set up with either a new therapist or even the old one who’s comeback that I’ve seen before, at this stage in life therapy for me is a maintenancetool, it keeps me on track more so than gives me the breakthroughs and the biglife changes we all hope for. Being without it for several months now isstarting to have an adverse effect on me. 2^nd I’ve been at home alone for a while, the roommate has beenoff on a trip and I’m here all by myself, for some reason I tend to startisolating myself when there is no one around to make me come out of my ownlittle head space. Once I’m in there I let my daily life go to hell because I justdon’t even notice there is a problem. 3^rd holidays and my birthdayare here again, as much as I try to act like it doesn’t affect me at all sooneror later I end up having to admit that yes Virginia there is an issue with Santa.4^ththere is the fact that it’s been cold as hell and getting darker, all I want todo is curl up in bed and hibernate. Lastly my health has been not so good thisseason so every few steps back I’ve taken with that has dealt me a blow to my mentalhealth as well.

So how do I gainsome footing in this downward spiral I’m caught up in? well baby steps for meare huge, I have started with a few things that have been bugging me but aren’texactly crucial really, like organizing and compiling a database for my booklibrary, it’s not life altering but it’s something positive that’s actuallygetting my mind in gear to handle larger tasks. I’ve started making lists ofappointments I need to make and tasks I’d like to start as well. For meorganizing my thoughts is a huge step up because unless I put it on paper it isgone with the next thought that comes along to replace it, so getting back todoing that is important for me. It is a red flag that I’m heading into a badplace when I stop making my thousands of lists and just start living for themoment. I know that the few things I’ve started are just a drop in the bucketof what I need to do to get myself back in control again, but it’s a start andit gives me hope that I’ll continue to put my house back in order.

Holidays and birthday blues

2011-11-21T21:40:00.001-09:00

Tis the season forme to start getting a bit melancholy, with the holidays starting and mybirthday right in the middle of them I tend to really isolate myself fromeveryone and just let depression take over if I am not careful. It took meyears to realize I was doing this, and by then the invites to parties and to friends’houses had pretty much dried up because they all knew my standard answer was NO.since then I’ve been trying to resocialize myself a bit and get myself outthere with the smaller groups of people as I am not yet comfortable withcrowds. I still do suffer a bit of the blues but not to the extent I did when Ikept myself cut off from everyone. Honestly I think this will be one of thosefights that will last me a lifetime to get through but at least I know that if Ifight it it’s not so bad as when I let myself sink down into the seasonal depressionand get lost in it all alone.

Tips to help

1. Talk with your partner about what you are goingthrough, cutting yourself off or staying silent can damage your relationship inthe long run.

2. Take baby steps to get yourself ready for theholidays, rushing around and doing things at the last minute can overwhelm youand cause you to give up on trying to get back into the spirit so go slow andgive yourself time to get adjusted to being with others.

3. Stay away from toxic situations. We all havefamily or friends who become toxic during holidays, if they aren’t all yeararound. try to plan your holidays away from those people, you may find that notincluding them might be the key to enjoying yourself.

4. Reduce heightened expectations, people tend toidealize the holidays and reality often does not live up to that. Try to behonest with yourself about what to expect and what goals to set.

5. Do something for someone else, try volunteering oreven just make a batch of cookies for a friend. Doing for others often helps topull you out of yourself.

6. Let go of the past, whether it be the good oledays or past hurts try to move on to the future and the new memories you canmake.

7. Try not to see things on absolute terms, tryingto be the best at something can often make you feel your worst.

8. No matter what is going on in your life think ofthe blessings you do have.

9. Don’t let others pressure you into making plans,you decide what suits you best.

10. Try to watch the amount of alcohol and other merrimentsyou indulge in, they are depressants and tend to leave you feeling worse offthan you started

11. Try exercise, the endorphins released are agreat way to fight the blues. I enjoy scening during the holidays to get my spiritsup for the same reason

12. Do something just for you

Trust in your partner

2011-10-10T16:06:00.000-08:00

It isoften hard to trust in others, especially when you have mental issues as, atleast with me it makes it hard to even trust in myself at times let alone otherpeople. Often I still catch myself in an internal battle about trust issues, whethermaybe I trust too much or too little in my Daddy. I have to literally stopmyself and reset my way of thinking when I find myself in one of my doubtingphases and see it for what it is, it is a form of self-sabotage pure and simple.Sure there are times that doubts are valid but I am not talking about those,what I am talking about is when there is no reason to doubt someone but you doit anyway, or when logical reasoning shows that the person was trust worthy butyour mind won’t accept it and keeps finding reasons to not trust them.

How do you deal withthat? I know I have things I can do to help if I see what I am doing, but I don’talways see it until it is too late and I have said or done something that hurtsthe person I am with. I do try to warn my partners about this up front and askthem to help me, if they see me acting unreasonable to remind me I need toassess the situation before I continue and often that does help if they canremember to do that, but me being the hugely effective button pusher that I amthings often escalate in a bad way then after I’ve calmed down, looked atthings logically and saw how wrong I was I have to try to attempt damage control.That is not a pretty picture.

The biggest thing I useis this cute little saying “when in doubt reason it out” if I can catch thetrust faltering I can apply this and usually it solves the problems before theystart, logically asking yourself questions about the situation and givingyourself reasonable answers, not the answers that just pop into your head thatwill further the doubt cycle. Another thing is admitting when there are validreasons for you to not trust someone, if you can sort out why you can’t trust someoneand why you can it leaves a lot less grey area in the relationship that you canget lost in when you are fighting this battle in your mind. I used to thinkthere were just a black and a white when it came to trusting people but I havefinally realized that it is such a complexed concept and people see itsometimes so vastly different than others that I can’t even apply the term shadesof grey to cover the idea. But for lack of a better term, the shades of grey isthe areas I think where we tend to go off track with one another and get themisguided notions as well as read into things that may not even be there. I havea list of things from my past that trigger my trust issues and I try to keepthose in mind when I am assessing my feelings to make sure that I am not makingthe mistake of pulling my current relationship into my past abuse.

As a team it is healthy to work together ontrust building, communicate accurately, openly and transparently. This will notonly help with any average relationship I find it is a must in my lifestylebased relationships. Also remember how you react to a perceived trust violationmay trigger a trust violation with your partner so be careful how you handleyourself, try not to fly off the handle and act accusatory before knowing allthe facts. Saying I’m sorry can’t always mend a broken fence.

If you know you haveissues whatever they may be WORK ON THEM. Be proactive not reactive please…. Itmay save your relationship a whole lot of heartache.

As always thanks for reading

Revisiting the past

2011-09-18T13:02:00.000-08:00

Recently I had todo a major clean and organize of my house and ran across my old journals I usedto write by hand. I of course was curious about what I had written so set themaside to look through when I got a free moment. They broke my heart… what I read was sopainful and lost, looking back I don’t see that I felt that badly but readingthe pages of those tormented thoughts and feelings I know I was. The biggestthing is it wasn’t at my worst and at the time I thought I was somewhat stableand even thought I was happy with my life but I was very wrong I was still ascrewed up emotional mess. It is very easy for me to disconnect my emotionsfrom my past, but times like that it actually affects me and I can have areaction to the pain I once felt. I have heard that it is good to go throughthat to gain closure, and maybe it is. But honestly I can say I am a muchhappier person now than I was when I wrote those and it just adds that muchmore determination to make sure I become the very best me I can be.

I think the hugestdifference is I’ve finally learned to not dwell so much on the guilt, insteadfind a way to let it go. Guilt is such a crippling thing on its own, but addedto the other road blocks life added to me it really stopped me completely frommaking any progress until I finally realized I was holding onto guilt forthings I didn’t own, that weren’t my fault and things that had been long sinceforgiven. Sure I still have guilt at times for things I do in my life but I tryto resolve those things and move on.

My best advice to you is to look inside yourself, take amental inventory of your feelings and see how much of your life is stunted byguilt that doesn’t belong to you. Once you find that work on letting it go, you’llfind your burden you bear much lighter for it.

A quote from my past

“yea I guess I do pity myself a little too much, but no oneelse wants to be the head of the take care of charlotte and make it all bettercommittee, I don’t see them knocking at my door saying here we are to fix youand I sure can't figure out where I keep going off path to get hit so many timeso hard.

I will get back off the floor because I always do and I’llcontinue down the path for now.

Fuck I feel so sick...”

Maintenance

2011-09-07T02:46:00.000-08:00

It’s been a while for me since I’ve had any serious issues, I’d like to say that it’s because all my issues are solved in my life, my mental disorders have been worked through and life is just a bed of roses… well it’s not quite the case. The fact is I work very hard to maintain a balance however fragile or stable that may be at times I have to constantly be aware of what my state of mind is as well as be able to trust my support system to watch my back and let me know when or if they see things I may need to deal with. Often times people can see things from the outside I may be too close to notice myself.

With the huge overhaul of my support system I went through not too long ago and the mental health clinic playing musical therapists I had gone to a very dark place for a while, but once I got back to my old self I became rather busy with spending time outside, doing volunteer work, running the chat room I’m involved with and doing my best to keep myself on an even keel that I seem to have lost track of time writing here. That was not my intent as I do think of my blog as another one of the tools I use to help me keep myself in my stable place.

This blog has actually meant a lot to me over time as I have heard back from so many people over the years about ways it has touched them. I never really expected I would have a huge following being that it is a topic that doesn’t affect a large percent of the overall human population, sure BDSM on its own or mental illness on its own are more popular but combined it has less of a target audience. It has surprised me how many people have really gotten the fact that this is not just intended as a place for me to rant but also a place that hopefully offers suggestions on things that may help along others path down the road I’ve been traveling for a lifetime.

A good friend of mine who was just miserable with her life, she was seriously in need of help but refused to admit she should seek it out kept fighting my suggestion to go see a therapist and a dr. until I finally broke it down to her in the simplest terms I could come up with which were “look if you have to spend your life wandering through a minefield wouldn’t it be easier to do it with a map?” after admitting that yea I was right it would be helpful she finally did seek out help, it’s been such a major change in her life. Every time I see her I am so amazed at who she’s become it moves me to tears. It was those changes in her that inspired me to share my journey online.

My biggest point these days with people is that just like an addiction you can’t just drop working the steps and staying active in your mental health care even when you feel good because it makes it so much easier to slip back into the things that cause the most damage to your life. Sure having to remember every day that you have to at least maintain yourself can be a pain in the ass but it is worth that pain to keep you in a positive direction. There are several tips throughout this blog that can help with that if you take some time to look through it. At some point I hope to go back through my blog myself and set up a reference page where things can be easier located.

As always… thank you for stopping through.

my calm harbor

2011-07-20T18:11:00.000-08:00

at the beginning of the year i had started a chat room in collarme.com called #calm_harbor. the whole point was i was tired of all the posturing, in room scenining and games, i just wanted a place to chat, relax and let people have a nice quiet safe corner to come to when they needed a break. because i wasn't up on scripts and things i asked a good friend to just pop in and help me get things set up. it was the best move i ever made because he stayed and eventually became co-owner. having him at the helm has been a huge blessing and helped our room expand to where we actually had to set a limit on it to keep it cozy still.
after a half a year of struggling with the collarme server, trying to find an ircop when we needed and digging around for scraps of information on commands and such we decided it was time to find a more stable friendly chat server to call home, and we have we are now on https://www.bondage.com/ full information about our move and how to get to our new room #Calm-Harbor can be found at http://calm-harbor.clanteam.com/ please take time to look through our web page as Condor has a load of useful information there as well as some fun facts like our room stats. the vision still remains the same although the location has changed. stop by and see us some time you are more than welcome.

changing of the guard

2011-06-21T03:00:00.001-08:00

the last two months have held witness to a huge shift in my support system. on the therapeutic side first my psychiatrist quit, then my therapist that I had really begun delving into my DID with quit a week later to be replaced by someone who quit within the two weeks between my first appointment with her and the second one. she was then replaced by a summer fill in person who is a elementary school councilor, after our first session I realized quickly he has no clue what he is doing within the scope of my issues, so I’m expecting to be leading the blind when it comes to working with him.
on the relationship front I finally had cut the ties with my former Master/Daddy that were very one sided and move on with life as a submissive alone rather than collared and alone. all this while my laptop was in its death throngs and I was confronted with possibly losing my online support as well.

how does one with major trust issues, a handful of personalities that do not like new people and a fear of being alone as well as being abandoned survive this all? well I nearly didn’t. my first instinct was to shut down and put an end to it all…. but due to three very caring and protective souls I was coaxed back from my hole and put under a sort of mass protection by them and back into my daily life. I was not allowed to just fade away, they made sure if I would not fight for myself that they would be there to fight on my behalf.

so to the three of you… I thank you with all my heart for everything you have done to keep this girl as safe sane and cared for as humanly possible while giving me the time to get my feet back under myself after this huge knock down. and to the person who stepped in in the middle of my complete meltdown and decide I was worth caring for and getting to know…. you are a beautiful person with a heart that has no limits to the depths it can open up to.

so here I am back on my blog, new laptop, a surprisingly stronger support system despite the loss of so many I had put my faith in and ready to continue my journey helping myself while hopefully adding some insight here and there that may help someone else along the way.

goodbye is not forever afterall

2011-06-12T07:22:00.000-08:00

well i've found a way to be able to continue my blog, i do hope i will still have a reader or two once its back running at full steam, as it stands i'll be waiting until my new laptop gets here and gets set up before i restart regular posts but will be checking should anyone leave a comment in the meantime.
thanks to all who have contacted me about its closure i appreciate knowing there are people out there who follow it.
be back soon
char

Goodbye

2011-05-01T21:14:00.002-08:00

Due to a huge number of things I’ll no longer be writing this blog. I have enjoyed sharing with people even when it was uncomfortable or unpopular. I do hope that in the future more will be written by others to show those out there they really are far from alone.

Thank you for your time

char

Staying focused

2011-04-10T03:52:00.000-08:00

Often times there are so many things going on in our lives that keeping focused as a sub doesn’t seem possible to us. How many times has the outside world been knocking on your door while you do your best to serve? What about the thoughts in your own mind getting in the way? And don’t forget the small daily bull shit that goes into being a lifestyle partnership that builds up while you are trying to cope. Then there are some of us who deal with PTSD, DID, and many other letters of the alphabet who have to figure out a way to be able to focus on task at hand, a scene or the needs of our partners.

Me, I’m forever getting distracted by the least little thing in life and it takes its toll on my relationship with my Sir. Sometimes I can reset my focus on my own and there are times I need him to pull me back and center me. What I’m listing here are several helpful tips on keeping or regaining your focus.

1. Keep a list of your priorities it will help you to be clear about what you are thinking when you know what is most important to you.

2. Using a trigger list may be helpful: basically you make a list of words that will help to bring you back into focus as you start to slip or find yourself wandering. The list should be words you will associate with whatever you are indenting to keep your focus on at the time. If it is your relationship then the words should bring you back to this, if it is your tasks then the list should be about the task at hand. once you have your trigger list set you’ll find as you stray from focus that things from your surroundings or situation will pop up a word in your mind from the list helping you to start regaining focus of the original goal.

3. Set long term goals. Often its hard to remain on track when we don’t know where we are being led. If you have defined goals you can make a mental map much easier, keeping yourself from being left wandering.

4. Stop interrupting yourself: it can take up to 20 min to restart your mind on the task at hand every time you pop away for a minute to do something. Set aside the time to be focused for just that, not starting supper or doing an odd chore.

5. Create rituals: often repetitive actions such as a daily ritual or a ritual done before scening help to center yourself and let you maintain focus where you should.

6. Start fresh: clear away all immediate distractions before you start trying to focus on something important.

7. Dump the distractions: your environment can add so much noise and clutter to your mind. Don’t let it. If you want to do what it takes then you need to be able to cut out the nuisances and the background noise that bog you down. Stop sitting watching the tv or news for hours, surfing the net, chatting on the phone at least set time limits for these things if you can’t fully eliminate them.

8. Reward yourself for staying on task, even just a little pat on the back is a great motivator.

9. Enlist others to help you stay on track: from your Dom/me to your best friend there are times you need that outside push to maintain.

10. Create a focus mantra and repeat it often

11. Take a walk, often getting outside can clear away those cobwebs that were distracting you.

12. Be sure your desire to achieve your goal is strong enough. If it isn’t your efforts may be futile. Search deeper and find the inner desire if it is not apparent upfront, find that inner spark.

13. Get in the spirit of it. From what you wear, how you set your surroundings to the music that inspires you.

14. Take up a sport or game that aids in focus building, such as martial arts, chess.

15. Turn off the cell phone: personal calls and texting can be the death of concentration.

If you have any you’d like to add please comment and let others know. Your additions might be helpful.

BDSM relationships and mental illness

2011-03-20T16:44:00.000-08:00

Obviously I am of the opinion that it is ok to have a relationship with someone who has mental issues, I’ve listened to many over the years give their “expert” opinions on the subject, some of those never having dealt with a mentally ill person in their lives. That being said I do believe that all parties should be well informed as to the extent of the illness, the complications that may result and how their role might be affected by it. Those who mask their illness until a relationship has been established hoping that their partner being more invested will choose to stay once they find out are doing not only themselves but their partners a disservice. By choosing to be open and honest you do take the risk of scaring off the person you are interested in, but if they can scare off by just the thought of your illness how well would they honestly be able to cope with it when they were faced with it later?

First and foremost your illness is your responsibility, not your partners or your mommy or daddy’s. It is something you own and you alone. If you feel that you are ready to be in a relationship at least be able to accept that as there is very little chance that your Dom or sub will be able to stick things out long term if you shift the responsibility for your illness onto them constantly. By this I mean you need to be proactive in your care and treatment, you need to take your meds should that be part of your routine, you need to inform your partner of any changes with you or anything that might cause a problem. You also need to help your partner understand your illness and how to adjust to it. Knowing yourself, cycles, boundaries and your triggers are all very helpful when it comes to the ability of avoiding unnecessary meltdowns along the way. Sure things happen and there will be trials and tribulations but by doing the most that you can to smooth the way you’ll find you have a far less rocky road ahead.

There are things that your partner will need to adjust to and participate in most likely, be sure to line those out early in the relationship. Finding someone that will work with you is key, if you find them not willing to make the effort then please rethink your reason for staying with them as in the long run the relationship may cause you more harm than good. Just because you have a mental illness does not mean that you should settle for less, it is all the more reason that you should stick to your guns and get the relationship you not only need but deserve.

The truth about cats and dogs

2011-03-15T12:04:00.000-08:00

Actual pets do so much more for us than most people can ever realize, they are companionship, comfort, they can help teach us, protect and can provide entertainment. As a submissive with mental issues that lives alone I would be lost without my pain in the ass cat Bob. He is a rude fat overbearing monster that either spends his waking hours tormenting me or sprawled out onto of me just daring me to move so he can attack. But I love him madly and wouldn’t give him up for the world.

Although there are many benefits to having a pet there can be huge down sides as well. Most people rush into pet ownership without doing the research needed for what they intend to get. This can cause issues such as a pet too large for their space, one in need of more care than they can give, pet costs that are way more expensive that anticipated and behavior issues. All of these are things you don’t need when you are trying to deal with your own mental health and balancing a D/s relationship. I am going to list some things you should take into consideration when choosing a pet.

1. Baby animals are cute as can be, but they can take an enormous amount of training and time to become the pet of your dreams. Especially when considering dogs, think about your ability to commit to potty training, walks, accidents, obedience training, vet visits, shots, the loss of property to chewing, the cost of toys and food. With all that said you may decide on a cute kitten, the costs can add up there as well with cat litter, food vet bills, shots, cat toys and other multiple items you’ll find you just have to have when you bring the sweet thing home. In fact most pets will cost you a small fortune to set up and tend to their health and daily needs including pet fees/deposits if you rent.

2. Choosing a more adult pet can have the advantage of less training; try looking at the animal rescues or ASPCA in your area. Please be sure to find out the animal’s history if possible as the reason it needed a new home may have an impact on how it acts in your home.

3. The matter of space vs. size of pet should be considered before you bring home that small horse to an efficiency apartment. Most pets do require some space but the larger more active your pet is the larger space it will require to maintain not only its sanity but yours. When a pet is cramped it can lead to them acting out becoming destructive to property and people.

4. Consult everyone in your household about the pet choice you are about to make. There may be allergies to consider or other reasons that pet choice just will not work for them.

5. Learn about your species of pet. Be it bird, turtle, fish, cat or dog the wisest way to become a responsible pet owner is to learn all you can about that particular type of pet. Some animals tend to be susceptible to different health issues, could you afford to take care of those needs should they arise? Animals have different characteristics, how will that blend with your household? This is even more important when there are children in or around the home as aggressive breeds of animals can lead to injuries.

6. You also should be aware of your surroundings, such as would your pet cause problems with neighbors? Is the traffic too dangerous? Is the plant life in your home and yard pet friendly? Often times household plants can be toxic or poisonous to pets. Speaking of poison be sure to keep medications, household cleaners, paint thinners, pesticides, and antifreeze out of your pets reach.

7. Ok you have your pet home and you realize that this is not a match made in heaven, what do you do? Well first try obedience training if it’s applicable. Sometimes just teaching it to behave can help it to become a family member. If this does not work for you contact the place where you got your pet from and see if they are willing to take it back and rehome it elsewhere, look into pet rescues in your area that rehome and foster pets. DO NOT abandon your pet, it didn’t ask to live with you, you brought it home, please make sure it goes to a safe place if you can’t take care of it.

Even with all the research you can do each animal will have its own personality and will develop differently in each home. My suggestions are just to help you try not to make the classic mistakes most don’t think of when rushing out to get their new family member. Animals are living creatures, choose wisely.

Time can be managed

2011-03-05T17:21:00.000-09:00

Having DID leaves me with huge time gaps and with also a propensity to let myself wander when I should stay on task I can easily get overwhelmed by meeting goals on schedule. There have been several little tricks I’ve picked up to give me the ability to maintain a daily routine as well as meet goals while being time challenged.

Most important is to know yourself: know what you can handle and know what you can’t. It doesn’t hurt to try to push yourself sometimes but when trying to maintain a routine or to meet goals it generally is not the best time to push the envelope and add more than you can handle.
Lists: start each day with lists in hand. Have a personal organizer to keep the day’s event on track. Have everything mapped out ahead of time so you know what you need to do when.
Time and space: try to leave enough space between tasks that you do not get backed up if things get behind at some point in the day.
Slow down: rushing often leads to mistakes and starting over, so slow and steady can get you to the finish line not only on time but less frazzled.
Be organized: often not having your work space organized and clutter free can lead to extra steps while searching for supplies and making extra work for yourself. This will kill a deadline quickly. If you have things neat and organized you’ll find that not only will this speed up your progress but may add to your creativity as well.
Delegate: do you have kids? Put them to work, children can do a wide variety of household chores depending on their ages that can help you finish your daily routine without that over worked feeling. Trying to manage everything on your own isn’t always the solution if you have help available.
Police yourself: keep your TV time, computer time or whatever you use as relaxation as rewards. Limit the amounts of time you regularly spend at them so that when you finish with your tasks early you can reward yourself with added time you’ll enjoy.
The night before: try to get things set up for the next day’s events the night before if you find yourself with extra time so that you’ll have a stress free start to your day.
Break: if you find yourself getting stressed, not focusing or not accomplishing things sometimes taking a short break can put you back on track.
Appointments and social events: do not pack your schedule so full of appointments and events you can’t realistically get your daily tasks met. Prioritize and learn to say no to things that are not important.
Try getting your important things done first so if you may need to adjust and drop something from your schedule it will not be your main goals.
Batch tasks: try to do things like all your phone calls at once, your paperwork at once, running errands. This can cut time and help you focus better.
Plan menus: if you plan your menus for the week ahead you’ll find it easier to shop for everything saving timely trips to the store for forgotten items, as well as choosing recipes that fit into your schedule time wise.
Sleep: getting enough rest is important when you have a full day planned, tiredness can lead to loss of concentration, lack of energy, mistakes. All things that can slow you down.
Be flexible: realize things in life don’t always go as planned, the hugest point of stress is not being able to go with the flow, adapting and overcoming is not failure.
When you catch yourself procrastinating-ask yourself, "What am I avoiding?"

You can easily add one of these suggestions to your day at a time until you find that your day runs much smoother and your goals are more manageable.

Self punishment

2011-02-27T13:59:00.000-09:00

Inevitably I’ll do something that is against the rules that will require discipline. That in itself is not a huge surprise as I am human, we make mistakes and the journey through life is about learning from them and moving forward. One thing I have not yet learned to move beyond though is punishing myself far more than my Master ever would for those mistakes. This in itself makes his job at discipline much harder than it should be because he has to take into account my own reaction to my disobedience as well as his choice of correction. I realize I am not alone in this self flagellation and would like to offer some tips I’ve found that have helped me to let go and leave my fate up to Him at times.

1. Mindfulness: in the DBT classes I’ve taken they’ve taught mindfulness, a generally Buddhist concept as a tool to help manage emotions and behaviors. When you realize you are punishing yourself try to stop and just observe the situation without making any judgments, see it for what it was and not what your emotions and guilt are seeing. Try describing the situation to yourself, again, no judgment passed just the facts. Then once you can calmly do that try participation by telling yourself you give ownership of discipline to your Master. Try to visualize yourself handing them this in some form such as a key or a piece of paper. Once you can do this you’ll find it much easier to let go of the need to punish yourself and you’ll be more open to accepting discipline from your Master.

2. Realize self punishment often stems from something in your past, not the current situation. Until you can honestly assess who really owns the responsibility for that pain you’ll spend your life carrying the blame yourself and finding ways to punish yourself.

3. Ask for forgiveness, often knowing you are forgiven will help you forgive yourself and move on with your life.

4. Acts of contrition: yes this seems like something out of a religious handbook, but no it’s actually a positive parenting technique. For every one negative consequence give them four positive consequences, this you’d have to have your Master work with you on as they would have to not only be deciding your discipline but your 4 positive acts as well.

For some people self punishment can lead to more dangerous behaviors such as cutting and self mutilation. If you are doing these things I suggest strongly you seek further help as these behaviors are not easily broken and may need professional intervention.

Sleeping is fundamental

2011-02-24T13:50:00.000-09:00

It is essential that we get enough sleep in order to be at our best to serve as well as maintain our health and wellbeing. Unfortunately sleep disorders are more common than the cold and just about everyone will suffer with a lack of sleep at some point in their lifetime. Because there are so many sleep disorders out there I am going to stick to those that have affected me so I can at least give informed suggestions.

I have sleep apnea, a circadian rhythm sleep disorder as well as suffering from reoccurring nightmares. My sleep apnea was diagnosed in the early 90s not long after they started testing for it up here in Alaska, at the time it was so extreme they insisted I have surgery to correct it, which I did. They removed most of the soft tissue in my throat, my tonsils, uvula, and part of my soft pallet. Recovery from that was brutal but it had done its job as there was an 84% improvement from it. Over the years the soft tissue grew back with weight gain and pushed the severity back up but nowhere as extreme as it was to begin with. I am now using a c-pap machine that keeps me breathing while I sleep without too much discomfort. My nightmares I’ve had as long as I can remember I’ve tried different things to help and there are a few things that seem to work better than others, I’ll list those in a bit. The circadian rhythm disorder is intrinsic meaning it’s a built in thing, basically my system runs on a longer day than 24hrs, so I find myself being up later and later each day. This is fine if you don’t have a life to live that gets in the way of the ever sliding sleep schedule, but being someone that has to function within the 9 to 5 world of appointments as well as wanting to be awake when my friends, family and Master are it tends to mean I end up with a lack of sleep from time to time when my internal clock is setting my bedtime during daylight hours. There are a few things I do to help manage this and keep sleep loss to a minimum.

1) Sleep apnea: a sleep disorder characterized by abnormal pauses in breathing or instances of abnormally low breathing, during sleep. Each pause in breathing, called an apnea, can last from a few seconds to minutes. Symptoms include chronic snoring, choking or gasping for air in your sleep, fatigue during the day, morning headaches, and lack of concentration. It can lead to excess stress on your heart and other organs causing high blood pressure heart failure, stroke. Sleep apnea is diagnosed with an overnight sleep test. There are a few things you can try, but please consult your dr.

a) Weight loss can help, hell unless you are underweight weight loss rarely hurts in most situations.

b) Avoiding alcohol and sedatives before bed

c) Change sleeping positions, try sleeping on your side instead of your back.

d) Using a sleep apnea pillow

e) Using a c-pap machine if prescribed

f) Dentists specializing in sleep disorders can make a custom fit mouth piece for you.

g) Surgery can be done in more severe cases.

2) Nightmares: my nightmares seem to be stress related, they also used to cycle around my period, but I think it was just extra stressed then.

a) Keep a journal where you can keep track of them, write down the day’s events before they happened and what happened in the nightmare. This can help you figure out why they were triggered.

b) Try to make time before bed to relax and de-stress yourself, think through the day’s events and put them to bed before you go to bed. Going to sleep with a head full of crap is just inviting your subconscious to run wild with negativity.

c) Talk about them with someone

d) Some people can redirect their dreams called re-scripting, I’ve tried with little success but basically right before you go to sleep you write out the reoccurring nightmare as it starts out then you write out an alternate direction for the dream to go into. Then when you go to sleep should you start having the nightmare the idea is you should be able to redirect it to the alternate scenario. The thing is you have to be extremely detailed and describe every little thing.

e) White noise or soothing music played low while you sleep can be helpful

f) Take a long hot bath before bed, try aroma therapy if you like

g) Try not to watch horror movies or read those scare your socks off books right before you go to sleep.

h) Cut back on the late night snacks, foods and caffeine can have an effect.

i) Alcohol and drugs can cause nightmares

3) Circadian rhythm sleep disorder: basically this means the sleep patterns are not “normal” your body clock is set to sleep at a different time than the normal times required for work, school and social needs. There are a few things you can try to help adjust, but it can be a constant struggle

a) Set a strict sleep schedule

b) Once on a regular sleep schedule try not to change it as adjusting can be very difficult

c) Avoid naps

d) Light therapy can be helpful

e) Avoid caffeine or stimulants

f) Sleeping meds can be helpful with a Drs supervision… sometimes they can actually backfire and cause more problems than they are worth.

g) The dr actually had me stay awake for a whole 24hrs, well it turned out to be more like 32 hrs to get myself set to start my new sleep schedule, it helped me adjust much better than just saying ok bedtime is at 11pm then laying there awake all night.

h) Don’t read, write, eat, watch tv or talk on the phone while in bed. Make bed the sleep zone, using it for other things will keep your mind from triggering the sleep response to crawling into bed.

i) Avoid drugs and alcohol

j) CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) can be helpful as well.

I am so not perfect and I find myself not doing these things, next thing you know I’m in trouble because I’m no longer following my bedtimes and I’m too sleepy to do everything I’m supposed to, or I go to bed on time but somehow forget to wear my c-pap mask. Little setbacks like that just make me suffer and my Master annoyed, but when I do everything as I should and my sleeping is doing well I lead such a less frustrating life. My sleep affects my mental illnesses as well as my physical health so it’s a key element in staying as healthy as possible. Besides falling asleep while being flogged is not the response Master is looking for lol.

Anxiety and the lifestyle

2011-02-13T14:45:00.000-09:00

Anxiety can be very debilitating at times, causing your whole life to stop and revolve around the disorder. Being in the lifestyle and finding yourself facing panic attacks can be even more discouraging when you are trying to serve someone or be the lead in the relationship yet you are being sidelined with anxiety and fear.

I faced this for many years as a submissive and had used many techniques to help me cope with it until it finally went away. I’m hoping to share some of the things that have helped me and some other things I haven’t tried but have researched that seem to work to help in the different stages of anxiety. I’ll also let you know what eventually worked to stop them all together for me.

Note: most any of these suggestions can be used at any stage of anxiety, I list them the way I do as this is when they’ve been most helpful for me.

1. Changes you can make to help prevent anxiety attacks, please talk with your dr before trying these as they may affect your treatment;

à Get help early, anxiety like many other mental health conditions can become more difficult to treat if you wait.

à Keep a journal of your attacks, frequency, what your surroundings were, what you’d eaten, what your frame of mind was or what you were thinking at the time they started. It can be very helpful in locating triggers that set off the anxiety.

à A change of diet, often times different things we eat or drink have adverse affects on us without us being aware. Last year the Drs had me stop caffeine, I was a soda junkie but since quitting I’ve gone from taking 90 valium a mo to using 7 total in the last 10 months.

à Regulating sleep, being well rested plays a huge role in how we are able to cope with things.

à Exercise is a powerful stress reducer, can improve your mood and keep you healthy.

à Avoid alcohol and other sedatives as they can increase anxiety.

à Vitamin B and folic acid may relieve anxiety

à Time management and prioritization, reducing stress by simplifying your schedule can make a big impact

2. The first stages of anxiety, the feeling of dread or fear;

à Stop and change activities, often just switching what you are doing will take your focus off your mood and onto something else.

à Call a friend or support person. If you can contact someone before a full blown anxiety attack you’re more likely to head it off.

à Take a pill, I hated taking my antianxity meds but well when I did take them as needed they worked for me. If you don’t have other methods to cope in place, please use your meds as the sooner you head off the problem the less likely it’ll end up a full blown attack.

3. During an anxiety attack you’ll find the levels of panic and fear can ramp up rather quick finding things that slow this down or stop the advancement can be very helpful;

à Remove yourself from the stress trigger that caused the attack

à Call for someone to come sit with you if you are alone, often just a person there with you will help take the edge off.

à Try deep breathing, and positive affirmations. I find using them in sync works best.

à Meditation and visualization techniques can help if you can try to get into the mindset

à Challenge negative thoughts i.e.: what is the probability that what I’m afraid of might happen? Is there a more realistic way to look at this situation? What is the evidence that this thought is true?

à Be sure to utilize your personal support system when needed.

None of the things I’ve listed are guaranteed fixes, but if you try these perhaps you’ll find there is something that might help when you need it. Anxiety is a frustrating and life altering disorder, the more you can do to gain the least bit of control of it the less powerless you’ll become.

As with anything I write here this is something I’ve dealt with personally and I understand what it’s like to be there. You can drop me a line or leave a comment if you’d like to discuss this further.

Declutter and simplify

2011-02-10T03:47:00.000-09:00

People with mental or emotional issues often tend to collect a whole lot of junk in their lives, either with relationships or their surroundings. Generally clutter isn’t a huge issue for most, but when you have other things you should be dealing with clutter tends to just stall progress and can cause added stress to your life.

The best thing for you to do is simplify your relationships and make your living space as organized and litter free to give yourself and your relationships the attention they deserve. Here are some tips on figuring out what is trash or treasure in your life and things you can do to help create a more serene environment for yourself.

1. Relationships: sit down and make a list of the relationships in your life, once you do ask yourself these key questions about each one and decide if they are worth having or should you add them to your list of clutter you are better off removing from your life.

o First is this relationship healthy?

o Second do I benefit from having this person in my life?

o Third are they a part of my support system?

o Fourth would losing this person affect me negatively?

2. Clutter: do you find that your surroundings add to stress or mental chaos because you just have too much junk and nothing has its own place? Ok well maybe it’s time to stop the insanity and reclaim your space. Let’s go over things you can purge from your life.

o First get rid of all the actual trash, empty containers, piles of old newspapers and magazines. Generally if you just peel off that layer of garbage upfront it gives you a little breathing room.

o Once you plan to declutter do not bring more things into the house while you are doing this process

o If you fancy yourself a “collector” leave those items alone for now and focus on things that don’t have a designated space. While you go through these things by all means keep a save pile and a throw away or remove pile. It’ll help you work faster and sometimes faster is better.

o Do not keep items you intend to get rid of available to you any longer than to fill up the container you are putting them in as the more you look at them the more you can find a way to reason keeping them. Every time the container gets full stop and take it outside to the trash or set it out to be donated.

o Start with small goals in mind as the less immediately obtainable a goal is the sooner you’ll find yourself discouraged and the more likely you’ll quit the whole project. Make up a list or chart of your goals so you can keep track of the milestones.

o Once you start clearing space for the things you are no doubt keeping try putting those things away as you make more room.

o Don’t forget those hidden spots, under the beds, in the closets, behind the furniture.

o The main thing to keep in mind is do this at your pace, whether it be a few pieces at a time or a marathon cleaning session, you’ll get it finished if you can find a comfortable pace for yourself. As a rule until you find a pace you are comfortable with try setting a goal of 15 min a day.

Once you get your life simplified you’ll find that dealing with your priorities much easier and more manageable.

Building a personal support system

2011-01-31T04:26:00.000-09:00

As a submissive I’ve learned that you cannot depend on your Master/Mistress to be your sole support or you’ll wear the relationship out long before it’s time. The best thing your Dominant can do is to encourage you to build a healthy network of support. By healthy I mean a layered system so that no one area gets over stressed and stops working for you or falls apart.

Not everyone feels comfortable opening up to others about themselves enough to build a healthy support system, but you don’t just have to have the “I need to cry on your shoulder” type system in place to help you through difficult times. Myself I tend to keep those down to a minimum but have still found some great ways to add the stability of a personal support system. I’m going to list a number of things you might be able to adapt to your situation. If you have some I don’t think of please add a comment as the more suggestions the better.

· Find a hobby, something that you’ll be able to use to relax or destress.

· Seek counseling, a therapist is often a great way to get the unhealthy things out and can help you find ways to deal with what is troubling you.

· Turn to family and friends if they are a healthy option for you

· Make a date with yourself to just get out or away from the everyday routine. Sometimes just something as simple as a walk or a movie can change your frame of mind.

· Exercise or play sports, often the endorphins released can be a huge boost.

· Get involved with volunteerism; often supporting others helps us put things in perspective.

· Pets can often be a great support system for those who need companionship

· Grow something, often the act of growing plants, flowers, veggies can be calming as well as give you satisfaction.

· Join a forum or group; there are groups and forums for every topic under the sun. Finding one and becoming active in it will give you a community of like minded people from which you can draw strength from.

· Reduce negativity, that one bad apple can do more damage than you need. Find ways to distance yourself from people or things that cause a toxic effect in your life.

· Look to your church group or other organization.

· Find a Mentor that can give you advice and help you focus on personal goals.

Please remember none of these suggestions are made to replace your partner, but to help aid you in the goal of creating a stronger foundation in your life so the weight of mental illness is not left totally on them to bear alone.

those who have done, teach

2011-01-27T01:47:00.000-09:00

in the lifestyle i have found the best teachers are not those who sit around with theories... but those who have been out there in the trenches and have done the trial and errors, have the battle scars of the good bad and ugly... those who like me have been on the wrong side of BDSM bloopers a time or two and lived to tell the tale. what i'm saying is yes someone can say oh a flogger should be handled like xyz... but if all you've ever hit was your pillow with one how does that qualify you to say that??? more importantly you can guess the best way to own a slave all day long, can give advice and critique others handling of theirs... but if you haven't owned a real live human being with real live issues and real live hurts... dealt with them real life then the advice you give another is just conjecture.
yes i have a whole world of things to still learn in life about me, myself, i and us... i have a million and one things to learn about the best way to serve being me... but i've been real life far longer than most of the new people have been alive and i've been through more things in my time in the lifestyle than most will ever get a chance to experience. that alone gives me the voice i have today when i try to lend a hand, an ear or advice, but to back things up i dont just take what i say as the end all... i'll put my response out to my Master and my Mentor, two very intelligent capable and well seasoned Doms within the lifestyle to make sure i am not far off the mark on an issue. it's like getting three for the price of one.
but really where i'm going with this is that everyone at some point needs to ask a question about what, how, or why even. when you need to, please choose who you listen to wisely as it doesn't take anything to give someone bad advice.... just an opinion.

taking a leap

2011-01-17T01:00:00.000-09:00

tonight i got into a difficult conversation in a chat room about my past and my mental illness. it's always hard for me to gauge how people are taking what i'm saying. from what i was feeling it seemed like i got mostly the usual "oh this is bullshit" reaction. it was semi masked but the overtones were there to a point that i as i sat there typing i sighed wondering why i made the effort to be open.
see i don't have to be the fucked up sub that puts it all out there for people to judge but i do it because i used to believe i was the only one... until one day i opened up to the right person i just knew i was not fit to serve anyone. but i found out there are others and... there are those who not only can accept us into their service but they can make us better for being theirs. so yes i tell people my sordid details and seedy past hoping it may open a door for someone else, let them see they aren't alone.. we are out there...

loving, learning and loving again

2011-01-04T20:03:00.000-09:00

last year at this time i was in a long term relationship with a man i love dearly, but things were off course for us both. the constant struggle with my health problems and my mental illness left little time for us to be a couple and him having to be a full time caregiver. when things stopped i couldn't say i was shocked... after all it wasn't like it happened over night and as much as i like to hide the unpleasantness from myself it was painfully obvious.
i mourned him for the longest time but eventually moved on taking time to work on me hoping the next time i chose to belong to someone i'd have my shit together to a degree that i might just be able to become a high functioning partner, not the one carried by my Master. i started feeling good about where i was in life and let a few people into my world that i figured could handle the role they wanted to take. well that doesn't always work with uncomplicated people... let alone me. crash and burn describes the results well. the one thing i kept doing throughout is finding ways they just weren't like him, i used to joke how he ruined me for other men... well kinda he did. when someone takes the time to become a part of your recovery it leaves an impression that lasts a lifetime.
now starting a new year i find myself in the beginning of something wonderful a chance to love again. i look forward to where this goes hopefully it will be a happy journey. i just know that i'm ready to take the chance again.

happy 2011!!!

2011-01-01T04:39:00.000-09:00

happy n kinky 2011 to you all
i'd ask what every ones resolutions are, but i don't do them... for me they just don't ever work lol. if you do, please share. also what were your greatest and worst moments of 2010? what important thing did you learn?
i'd say the greatest is going to be hard to answer for me, yes it was a rocky year but it was full of a lot of good things. so maybe the greatest for me would have to be finding new love. becoming well enough to scene again.
the worst, losing love twice.
my important thing was... you can do everything right and still have your heart broken.
but on the plus side... i saw that i can make it through without depending on others, without spending all my time in alt land. i do have the skills to be strong enough for myself.
i sure don't have all the answers to get through life as a submissive with mental issues but i'm learning to cope and have become unafraid to ask when i need to.

merry birthday

2010-12-25T07:17:00.001-09:00

this morning i awoke deciding as a gift to myself i would think of today as more than the birth of christ but also the birth of me. i've been struggling for a while trying to force things to fit in my life that weren't ever going to for the wrong reasons. i'm giving myself permission to not struggle, to let myself me be me and stop fighting who i am for others. i am a very good person, i'm strong, i'm loving... but most of all i have a uniqueness that when i embrace it can make me shine. i refuse to hide my light any more.
happy holidays to all

growing up again

2010-12-21T04:31:00.000-09:00

at some point as i've become more stable regarding my alts as of late i've found it has left me severely lacking in emotional maturity. it seems that all the years that i've relied on them so heavily to deal with major stress situations, anger overloads, fear and the multitude of other things they have covered for me i never had to grow up when it came to my emotions. lately if i get past the part they'd have kicked in and i'm on my own i find the tendency to revert to childish behaviors. yes i have my DBT tools and they have helped me to advance to this new level... but now i am stuck reacting to grown issues like a stubborn pissed off child. the word tantrum has even been said... which had made the situation even worse. here's a tip for you out there, if your partner is acting like a child and upset, don't tell them they are throwing a tantrum it will more than likely escalate it to an all out fit of rage.
so now at the age of 43 i have to figure out how to grow up all over again before i alienate all who are close to me. i have a feeling my therapist will be earning her pay check for the near future. in the mean time i'll do my best to try to be aware of my actions and feelings, to do my part with researching and learning new methods to cope with them.

saving myself from suicide

2010-12-11T01:37:00.000-09:00

for years i was extremely suicidal, it was before i was diagnosed with any mental problems at all, refused to seek help and none was gotten for me. it wasn't until a very desperate period when i was trying to survive on the streets, everything i owned had been stolen from me and anything i struggled to grab onto was falling apart before my fingers could close around it. i remember so clearly writing the people who i thought it would hurt, then shutting off all the lights and going into the bathroom to wait to die. the next thing i knew i was waking up to friends slapping me screaming bringing me back... so i thought, perl said somewhere in there i wanted her to come, i just never understood what she meant till this week.

i was talking with someone close who had a first hand accounting of how i have been single handedly saving myself from suicide all these years and never even knowing it. picture this, my Daddy and i are arguing over who cares but it advances to the point his collar is no longer there, all of a sudden i crashed, and i went somewhere very dark then i swallow a bottle of warfarin, within minutes an alt rises up from my wreckage and takes charge, after making me purge the pills it goes after Daddy with a vengeance telling him that was all his fault and to get out of my life... none of this i am remembering the next morning besides the fight. well there it was all along, all this time i thought i was so screwed up i couldn't even get suicide right, here i was being saved by my alts.

i talked to my therapist about it and she totally agrees that's more than likely exactly whats been happening.

now she warned me not to get all big headed and think i now have this neat rescue team any time i feel the urge to check out, it only takes just once they don't show up and i'd be gone. well really... i've been trying to kick the whole rush to die thing for a while now, and am doing better than i'd hoped.

just goes to show you the mind can do some amazing things when called upon.

back on FL look me up

2010-12-10T02:37:00.000-09:00

well i have decided to plunge back into fetlife, my new nick is slvchar. i had moved very much away from it when i realized Dralor and i were first having troubles, i just knew that putting myself out there about our issues would be the last straw that broke that heavily burdened camels back... but in time it broke on it's own. by then i was used to being by myself again. now i'm becoming my own source of strength as not to drain those around me and hopefully be able to pay it forward to help some of those who do find they need a light in their darkness.
ok now to sound a lil less dramatic and a lil more about the real things, the next post i'm making is about a heavy topic and one that affects me on a number of levels, so i hope those that read it will comment as it will take a little more for me to put down those words than most posts i make.

affirmations, mantras, meditation ect

2010-12-06T21:25:00.000-09:00

i've had a number of Masters in my long long life as a slave/submissive/Daddysgirl/switch god knows what else i've morphed through and i can say the ones who were the most successful with me were the ones who had a more proactive mental approach to training and molding me. this past week the new therapist has been having me do homework, daily affirmations, and as i have been doing them i have been doing a little walk down memory lane to some of the similar things that i'd been tasked to do over the years.
affirmations have been something that has been used several times, daily reminders that i am good enough, strong enough and dammit i can do it... yeay go team go!!!! well really its a good thing to start your day out with positive thoughts even if it doesn't seem like its made a huge difference just the fact that you aren't pushing those negative vibes into your head from the very first part of your day has got to be a change for the better.
mantras, well they were a lil more difficult for me to get into and understand, basically though what i ended up with was i made a complete thought involving the affirmations and set it to a phrase that could be repeated several times a day, kind of an extra push over the hurdles.
meditation actually goes well with these, i think BDSM goes well with meditation, you really have to be able to focus and to be able to center yourself with the different tasks required of you. i think that is why i was able to finally able to gain so much out of the DBT classes i took.

when it comes right down to it being a submissive with a mental illness has caused me to have to work overtime at times to get through the dramas that can be my life, but its been so worth it in the long run, and those who know me generally love my quirky ass. i just have to keep the eyes on the prize and keep doing the lil things that make the big differences in my life.

43 and counting-aging and BDSM

2010-12-05T14:42:00.001-09:00

thurs was my birthday, turned 43. had a great scene including a birthday spanking, then went out for dinner and had a small party after. all in all it was a great day. well until i went to edit the pics from the scene, omg i am looking so much older and larger than i thought lol. i think i need an anonymous benefactor to have a head to toe overhaul done, hell it might just be easier to cut my head off and sew it onto a thinner, perky younger body... yup that's the plan.

ok i really wanted to talk about the affect of aging on a bdsm relationship.
we all know none of us are getting any younger, and the years may not be as kind to some of us as it is to others. aging can bring on a myriad of different health issues that have to be now factored in to your relationship, such as arthritis, loss of hearing, loss of sight, loss of mobility. but if you still want to remain active there are always ways to help aid you and your partner to have the best experiences possible. my suggestion would be is do a little research first online and within your local community, other couples have had those same issues and are usually happy to share how they adapted as well as things not to do. i believe in taking advantage of others trials and errors.
the biggest issue is safety, please yall use common sense and if you are trying something new take a few minutes to research how to do it correctly.

thankfull? really?

2010-11-24T01:40:00.000-09:00

well its thanksgiving again and what are we thankful for this year, well i always feel like i'm being a whiny bitch when it comes to this cause damn... i go through hell, so i sorta kinda feel like the things that finally do work are way past due and i'd so like to say wtf why'd it take so long??? but ok here goes...

yea thanks for my turn around in my health, after years of thinking i wasn't gonna make it another year its been very nice to start gaining ground (even though there's still sooo much work my ass off type things to do)
yea thanks for the opportunity to start getting back into scening as well as meaningful relationships
ok omg i almost forgot this, this year i got to see two of my most favorite people in the whole world... my awesome aunt and my brother, damn it was great
here's a decent one, my mental health seems on an upswing, been off the anxiety meds for 3 mo now and the alts have not been the huge pain in the ass they were last year

yea so it really is not the worst year ever,lol been a pretty good one though... but one damn thing i have to totally bitch about... my fave butterball turkey hotline commercial never came on this year, you know the one with the woman in front of the raw turkey on the phone saying you want me to put my what? in the what? what??

self soothing

2010-11-22T08:46:00.000-09:00

while in therapy i had the opportunity to take DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and let me say if you ever get offered the chance please jump, it is an awesome skill building course to help you gain the tools to handle things you tend to stumble with, everyone has their own stumbling blocks mine has been the ability to deal with others successfully, i would get anxious, closed off or sarcastic and aggressive. it took two times through the DBT course for me to actually take it seriously and start using the tools regularly but i find the biggest help early on was one i wanted to share with yall, it's simple and can make a difference when you are in crisis.

self soothing has to do with comforting, nurturing and being kind to yourself. One way to think of this is to think of ways of soothing each of your five senses

vision
smell
taste
touch
hearing

what i suggest is you get together a your soothing package, keep it accessible so you can use when ever you need to take that time out from the world to regroup. mine consists of a fuzzy throw blanket, scented candles a soft jazz cd and my favorite tea. but you make yours anything you like, just something you can use to help your mind pause and reset

some people feel guilty for taking time to comfort themselves like this, especially the sub type personality who may expect soothing to come from others. it may take practice to allow yourselves these simple pleasures, if so try at least one of these self-soothing exercises a week. you may want to choose a whole group of things, say all the visual things, or you may want to choose a single thing to try. as you do what you have chosen, do it mindfully. breathe gently, and try to be fully in the experience, whether it is walking in the woods or watching a flower or taking a bubble bath or smelling some fresh-baked bread.

as you begin to overcome your feelings that perhaps you do not deserve this, or guilt, and start to enjoy one or more of these activities, you will be learning very useful tools to help you deal with negative feelings and difficult situations.

becoming a touchy sub

2010-11-17T00:54:00.000-09:00

for years going through life as a slave i showed little to no emotion about anything my Masters did. i realize looking back i was very comfortable with that as it kept mood swings and devastation down to a minimum, but as i've grown and have become less of an automaton i've also gradually seen myself become more of a submissive, less a slave until i found my most comfortable calling, a Daddys girl, all the heart i could ever need and still very submissive. but here is the kicker as i grow my emotions that i prided being able to not show at one point are now all over the map. oh yes to love me you must have a love for feelings because i have them, sometimes all at once.

ask and just maybe it wont bite you in the ass

2010-11-11T23:36:00.001-09:00

i've been noticing that lately i'm starting to fall back into my long list of really unhealthy habits, not sleeping, not eating, not taking meds, yadda yadda yadda... i'm so not the one to get all that crap under control alone. so what do you do when there's a downward spiral you are a sub type and theres not a collar on your neck??? i've tried going back to the therapist they just dump it back into my lap. some how i don't think they get how the submissive mind functions. really if they did the whole do it yourself thing would be off the table. yes i can and do function at a high level by myself but as far as the taking care of the day to day crap i really need to be told DO IT. once that's said i straighten my lil subby butt up and start being the good girl i can be... but so here we are and my answer has ultimately been:

find a Dom i trust to help me through these times
ask a Dom i'm getting to know, by giving him an idea of what life owning my crazy ass is like. it can be a big help to them in making the ultimate choice on whether to collar you or not.
if you don't have either of those options perhaps a nilla friend can step up and be a hard ass for your healths sake.
ask a family member, a parent or sibling tend to have an interest in your stability and health as it affects them in the long run so the may be fine with the task on a short term basis.

don't be inactive and keep letting things go to hell, the worst that can happen when you ask for help is someone says no. the worst that can happen if you don't ask for help is you end up in crisis or dead. my point being that i'd rather get bit in the ass by a no than be in the hospital.
thanks to those who help me through my rough patches, you make it so much easier than it could be.

when do we stop?

2010-11-11T01:40:00.000-09:00

i've been pondering that question for quite some time now, up until last thursday i was wondering if i should hang up my knee pads and call it a day. with the seemingly insurmountable obstacles i fight to try and be the best sub i can between my mental health and physical health i had been thinking i really needed to stop and just try to live my life as a human. the thought was crushing and it turns out to be premature. last thursday i got a chance to scene with a Dom i respect not only for his knowledge but for his ability to push me beyond my expectations... well after 3 long years of not having scened it was an experience i'll not soon forget, and his words after gave me hope i can continue to grow as a submissive. i thank him from the bottom of my heart and hope to serve him again soon.
but seriously when do you hang up the tools and toys and doom yourself to vanilladom? at what point do you think it is time to stop? i swear i have images of Doms pulling their teeth out of their mouths to bite me and using their canes to hold their old asses up not beating my butt. is there an old Dom/mes home to send them to?

The beauty that is the lifestyle

2010-10-28T21:03:00.000-08:00

As I sit here, my head full of the awesomeness that is the lifestyle. No I am not talking about being submissive, far more than that. The lifestyle… a choice one makes to cast aside the conventional notion of what a relationship should be. To open one’s mind to building a bond that works for all who are involved. To incorporate within the dynamics to which all can coexist.

True there are those who never see past the me Dom, you slave… serve. I think of them as short sighted or uninformed to what a vastness of opportunities they have passed by in taking that limited view. It is like sipping water at a bountiful feast. True you get quenched but do you truly get sated? So many M/s couples I’ve known have broken up for one reason or another. I wonder had they really gotten to build toward that full potential, or did they fall victim to the Dom slave serve scenario? Before you say it, sure there are a million reasons people break up, but I am focusing on the one for now. When all you have is a power exchange without the rest of the picture it can leave one eventually feeling unfulfilled. Then all that lust and those strong emotions start to search out someone new to give that rush once again.

Those who focus on more, the whole picture, that realize that the lifestyle is only limited by their own minds and beliefs tend to find the kind of happiness that can last a lifetime.

Do you remember

2010-10-27T07:58:00.000-08:00

Having DID along with my various other health and mental problems has turned my short term memory and my time management skills to zero. I literally have to carry around paper and pen all day for lists and notes to myself, to top that off I often need prompting to use them as I’ve forgotten I have them. Master says you needs to do 123 I say ok, he says what do you need to do I say huh? He says where’s your list, I say right here … write down 123… ohh ok. And so it goes.

No not all days are that bad but some are very much so. My alts tend to wear me out sometimes, I’ll think I’ve gotten sleep only to find that one or more were out for this reason or that later, if I find out at all. A few of the original safeguards my mind put in place for me not to notice them sometimes still keep their activities hidden from me or make it easy for me to overlook time loss. Just yesterday I was in chat a friend said goodnight and then next thing I knew they were waking up, I was like wow didn’t sleep long they said 8 hours. I could have sworn it was no longer than an hour so I looked back at the logs to find I was idle 6 and a half hours. With no obvious signs of charlie I’d have to say the more adult one was out for one reason or another.

Ok so back on topic, helping yourself with remembering and time management.

1. Organize, gather things you’ll need for the days event, try to keep things uncluttered

2. Focus on one thing at a time

3. Keep a day planner

4. Make lists, they do work

5. Learn to prioritize

6. Make activity logs, see where your time goes during the day

7. Talk to yourself, repeat the key info aloud

8. Use mnemonic devices such as word associations

9. Overcome procrastination

10. Simplify information and remember it piece by piece

It’s fine to depend on your Dom/me but this is your illness own that and take responsibility for it don’t assume someone should carry the load for you if you can. Do your part it’ll make you and your relationship stronger.

Becoming prey

2010-10-24T18:25:00.001-08:00

As a sub with a mental illness I find I’ve been subject to a very long list of Doms that I like to call the vultures of the lifestyle. They seek out those who are at a weak point and prey on them often physically or mentally breaking them in the process. Some of the red flags I have come to recognize and can share with you are as follows:

· One seeking to involve you in a total power exchange (TPE) or absolute power control lifestyle, wanting access to all of your information including bank accounts and passwords

· One who seems too good to be true, believe me no one is… that is why the term too good to be true exists to begin with. Most Doms looking to take advantage of you like to let you talk and talk about yourself drawing out every last bit of information that may benefit them in getting you to fall for them. And let’s face it when we are at our most vulnerable a sympathetic ear and one who acts like they care in this cruel world can get them major brownie points.

· One who shies away from your friends or makes power struggles with them to where you end up choosing him or them. His money will be you pick him and once he gets you all to himself the damage can begin

· One that keeps you off balance leaving you feeling confused or rushed into choices. The more dependant you feel on him the more he’ll get his way.

· One who gets his collars through the drive-up window at McD’s he hands them out so fast and they are gone just as quickly

Honestly there are thousands of more red flags, I’m sure I’ll revisit this list again in the future. But really none of us wants a Mc’collar and none of us want to lose everything we own or everyone we care for over someone who walks away. Nor does any one of us want our lives or well being endangered because of a bad choice. So take time… yes time to get to know them. Most vultures are not interested in doing things at a leisurely pace. If he disappears along the way thank your lucky stars you got out of it before he was able to turn you into his next victim and do NOT mourn the loss of him. As far as one looking for TPE and such I've grown accustomed to giving the response, fine as long as you are willing to set up a trust fund for me for 500,000.000 payable upon your death or your desertion.

In the meantime work on your support system and yourself, you can’t go wrong investing in you.

living with a loved one with mental illness

2010-10-20T05:30:00.000-08:00

as i was looking up reference material i found an article about living with someone with mental illness in web md... i thought i would share it here as it makes several good suggestions that can be applied in some fashion to a lifestyle relationship as well.

Living with a Mentally Ill Person
Mental illness is a health condition that involves the brain. Mental illness causes problems with thinking, mood, or behavior that interfere with daily life and cause distress. If you are a family member or friend of someone who is mentally ill, you have probably been suffering too. You are likely to feel worried, frustrated, confused, and sometimes despairing. You may not understand why your loved one just can't stop these behaviors. You may feel:

guilty that somehow "all this" is your fault
angry that your loved one is just seeking attention, being lazy, not cooperating, or doing things on purpose
confused about your loved one's changed behavior
embarrassed about the way he or she acts in public
resentful about taking on additional responsibilities
afraid that you will also develop the mental illness
helpless because you don't know what to do

It is important to remember that you can't:

solve all of your loved one's problems for them
make your loved one be different
make the illness go away by ignoring it

How can I help my loved one?

If someone you love is diagnosed with a mental illness, how can you help? Work together with the person who is ill and the team of mental health professionals. Take things slowly, step by step. The speed of progress is not as important as moving in the right direction. Try to keep a positive attitude toward your loved one. A non-judgmental attitude allows the person to focus on coping and getting well, rather than trying to deal with anger and resentment.

Help the person develop and follow routines, for example, regular times to get up and go to bed. Make changes gradually to prevent boredom without creating stress.
Help the person break tasks into small steps. For example, help someone get to school on time by helping them choose clothes. Work on one thing at a time.
Help the person set realistic goals. Having goals that are too high sets you and your loved one up for failure. Goals for some people may be working part-time or going to school. For others, coming to the dinner table is a victory.
Support and accept what the person can do. Praise improvements, however small. When you are critical or overprotective, your loved one may feel frightened.
Help focus the person's energy on activities such as walking, jogging, swimming, and dancing. Activity may calm the person down and give a sense of success.
Let your loved one make his or her own decisions, even though it may be hard. Resist the urge to make the decision even if he or she keeps changing his or her mind. Ignore what you can't change. This may mean that you have to let some things slide.
Try to lower stress for your loved one. Everyday stresses that most people handle without a problem may make some people with mental illness more likely to get worse.
Help the person remember to take prescribed medicine. Try to remind your loved one how much the medicine helps them rather than nagging or criticizing them.
Talk gently and respectfully. Listen to what the person says. Try not to be defensive. Talk to each other and to the healthcare team. Communication is important if you're going to work together. Seek help from professionals when you need it to deal with:

◦Suicidal thoughts. Don't be afraid to talk about suicidal thoughts. If your loved one continues to think about suicide, especially if he or she hears voices that suggest suicide, inform his or her healthcare provider.
◦Medicine side effects such as sedation and weight gain.
◦Reality checking. If the person with the illness tells you that other people are mistreating them, check out the stories before you react.
◦Aggressive or violent behavior. If someone is aggressive or violent, contact mental health professionals (and the police, if necessary) immediately. Keeping things relaxed may prevent aggressive behavior brought on by stress.
◦Relapse. If you notice feelings or actions that are unusual for your loved one, such as losing interest in things, becoming more depressed, having trouble concentrating or making decisions, withdrawing, feeling overwhelmed, or having sleep problems, call a mental health professional. Getting professional help early enough may keep the person from getting worse.

Realize that recovery always includes slips and setbacks. The important thing is not to see the setback as failure.
Decide how much support and care you are realistically able to provide. Explain this to the person with the mental illness and to healthcare providers involved (for example, the psychiatrist or case manager). This will allow for help to be found so that if you cannot provide support, someone else can.

How Can I Help Myself?
Understand that your loved one has an illness. There are treatments and possibly medicine for it, just like a heart problem. You need information about mental illness and its meaning for your family. This will help you know what behaviors to expect and what to do and say if those behaviors are exhibited. Spend time learning more about the illness.

Consider joining a support group. Talking with other people who face the same challenges can help you cope with the mental illness and its impact on your life. Talk honestly about your feelings and encourage others in the family to do the same.

In addition to your needs for information, skills, and support, you face the special challenge of recognizing that your needs and desires matter. Do not ignore your own needs while you try to meet the needs of your loved one. Caring for someone with mental illness can take a lot of energy. Schedule time for yourself to relax and relieve your stress. Accept your feelings, and find ways of releasing them every day. Some suggestions about how to do this are:

Talk things through with a friend.
Exercise regularly.
Avoid caffeine.
Eat a healthy diet
Avoid alcohol
Engage in a hobby that you enjoy.
Get adequate sleep
Go out and away from the person you care for. Examples of outings might be a movie, or lunch or coffee with a friend or another family member.
Set aside quiet time by yourself every day when you can do something you enjoy. For example take a bath, have a massage, meditate, or even just close your eyes and rest a few minutes.

scening and DID

2010-10-18T06:03:00.000-08:00

so far as i know every time i've been involved with scening i have not had an issue with my alts taking over, but i believe that is because i am very careful to choose a partner i can trust as well as put several safeguards in place. those outside of my Masters that i have played with all have known upfront that i have mental issues that make it absolutely necessary that they follow the terms we decide before we play and that i am not left in fear for my safety at any point. i do love that adrenaline rush you get when you don't know whats coming next and enjoy being blindfolded during play so you would think that i could switch easily into fear mode from there... but generally we have two safe words set, one that is a time out, i need a second things are getting out of control, and the second being stop the session, with both those options it makes being blindfolded and used much easier to get into. another safe guard is setting a program ahead of time. when Sir and i get together he says i plan on taking things in this direction, he gives me a list of what things he requires i set out to be available and then he expects me to greet him appropriately for the session, usually nude on my knees or sitting nude blindfolded. if i feel uncomfortable before we work out a different arrangement, but at this point we've had several sessions over the years together and with others that have been satisfying for all.
i need to express that not every scene i've had has gone wonderful... issues do get in the way sometimes, a flavor, a scent, something heard or seen will flash back on me and i'll need to stop or take a time out till the freak out passes. those are things that allot of subs who have been abused will have happen and we need to trust the Dom/me who is there can understand that and can help us through it.
would i recommend someone with multiplicity doing this? depends on where you are at, how stable you are and how well you can trust those you are with, if you are comfortable with all those areas, sure take it slow and by all means warn the poor sob they might get an uninvited guest to the party cause its not fair to them not to know upfront.

closure

2010-10-15T01:16:00.000-08:00

last weekend i decided i had had enough wondering why Dralor disappeared from my life when he did and decided i would make an honest effort to find out and gain closure in that relationship. see i was having all kinds of hangups trying to convince myself he really walked away without a word. this was a man i invested a huge amount of trust in for a very long time... who convinced me my mental health was such a priority to him he would never risk the damage him disappearing could do. i've had too many important people pop out of my life over the years, my support system works but not well enough to lose a key player like my Master without saying anything.
i was so unsettled about it i've just been telling people he ran off to join the circus while deep down my mind wandered to thoughts ranging from him giving up and leaving me to him being dead from a heart attack. let me tell you it's very hard to fake being all over it when inside you just aren't. it has caused me to jump from Dom to Dom looking blindly for the guidance i lost from him all the while.
well i found him... we talked, he explained why he did what he did. it hurt... allot, i didn't deserve the way he walked away, didn't need to hear him say he'd always love me... you know that's the line that you hear most when someone is done with you... i'll always love you. i didn't need to hear him say i'd always be his babygirl. all of that hurt... but he did say what i did need, i was a very good sub and he couldn't have asked for more than i gave... that i needed to hear. far too many times in the past when things ended in a relationship i'd tend to beat myself up tear myself apart with blame and question even the things i knew i did right. i know my physical health sucked from day one while we were together, couldn't help that... they hadn't diagnosed the issue till he was gone, now its improving slowly. as far as my mental health i can proudly say with his help i'm more stable now than ever and will continue on the path of wellness with or without a Master in my life.
yes it made those sad feelings raw again, yes i smart a lil because i got walked out on by the one i cared so much for... but yes i got closure. i no longer have that secret hope every time the phone rings its him, or every time i get a message its from him. i've made peace with it and am movin on...
as a side note... charlie, the child alt who thought of him as a father figure really is just wicked sad over this whole thing. i wish i could find a way to comfort her. i wake up to see shes no longer playing and doesn't draw like she enjoys, usually after shes out it looks like a toy n snack tornado hit the place. hopefully she'll quit moping.

chat and real life

2010-10-10T09:08:00.000-08:00

i know that people come to chat rooms to get away, make friends, socialize... but i tend to make people uncomfortable with the truth about real life from time to time i think just to screw with them, because i could gloss over things or give a one word answer... but no, i have to go into detail about the scary shit that made me me, then stop and smile and return to the previous conversation. i feel justified at the time by saying to myself they shouldnt of asked but the fact that i bring up the need for justification and that i know there was another avenue to go down mmm well just makes me have to admit i'm being an ass. perhaps i need another break from chat again. it is an addiction i really don't need that takes up more time i don't have.
being that winter is barking at the door i need to get out and get things ready for the deep freeze.by the end of this month things will be frozen here till april. also it means darker days and my fave Dom will have free time for some winter fun i have really missed play sessions.

a new lifestyle based site

2010-10-02T20:48:00.000-08:00

http://thebdsmlife.com

some friends of mine got together and decided that they were tired of the cyber games and the wannabe crap elsewhere in chat land so they built their own site, its membership is free and all those who are tired of wondering where the real folks are well... come on by, and bring a friend or two

http://www.thebdsmlife.com/

post traumatic bull shit

2010-09-24T00:12:00.000-08:00

yup i've been convinced i'm so much better than before but have been silently sitting back watching myself treat people like shit and finding ways to defend my actions that have little to do with the truth. the other night i was called on my nastiness by someone who sat and listened but wasn't impressed... it made me look inside myself as to why this person i don't really know brought such a violent reaction of feelings out of me just seeing them log onto chat. i saw why immediately, it was unmistakable the way the person acted brought back such strong memories of my father and my childhood i was striking out at him every chance i could so he didn't get close enough to hurt me.
was that realistic? no... its a freaking chat room... if i feel uncomfortable i know how to log out. so his hurting me wasn't an option i needed to protect myself against. perhaps memories, i protect myself by making other people who live in my head so yea the fact that he uncomfortably makes me remember i'm guessing i'm lucky he didn't trigger chris or some hidden alt i'm not aware of to deal with him. i was there first, its my safe spot right? no... its my issues not his.
i apologized tonight through enough tears to set myself adrift, but i did it, and i told him why. my past is not going to keep winning. i can have a good life.

2010-09-16T00:00:00.000-08:00

been trying to think of something great to write, truth is that i'm a lil stagnant as far as progress goes on the therapy front. don't get me wrong, it's awesome i have gotten to a point in my life that being stagnant doesn't mean running away from some mind shattering breakthrough or melt down. well no maybe i do have something to talk about.
i had mentioned in an earlier post i was exploring things with a friend... well i put on my big girl panties and ended things as well as i could when i realized that not only did the relationship not offer me what i needed, i couldn't give him what he needed. because i made the grown up choice to do the responsible thing i think i've managed to save our friendship. it wasn't too long ago i'd have held on until it died an unnatural death and still tried to save it... see people even subs with issues can grow. i do feel though i made a huge step in the right direction. now at least i can draw from that should i need the courage in the future.

rethinking directions

2010-08-05T02:20:00.000-08:00

today has been a day of reflection and a chance for me to stop and look at the various BDSM blogs out there. i was really impressed with those who incorporated topic written by other authors into their blogs. i would like to find a few people involved in the lifestyle who would be willing to put something together on how they've dealt with mental illness and other related ideas.
i really had much higher hopes when i started pieces of his girl, but had no clue how much it takes to properly put it together especially with my total lack of awareness of time as well as absolutely no experience. so while i start formulating my list of ideas i'll still keep things status quoe for now, but please stay tuned for the new and improved model in the near future.

the unexpected

2010-07-27T02:05:00.000-08:00

you know how sometimes you can know someone forever and then one day realize that there is something there between you? well i've known him for the longest, have looked up to him, laughed and sought out his advice... but recently we realized through what started as something done to be funny that there might be more and we have started to explore it. no, it is not set in stone. there are no commitments made at this point, just two people reaching out to see what might be there. who knows this might be good.

sub drop

2010-07-13T23:12:00.001-08:00

well the brother went home yesterday and the toll of his visit hit me all at once, i swear it was as extreme as sub drop. i tried so hard to keep up with everyone and by the end of his visit i was physically and emotionally a mess, well really at the end of every day i'd get home put myself in bed with heating pads, ice and pain meds hoping when i'd wake up i could hold it together just one more day... so i did for him, for me i was just dying inside realizing every day that there was less and less i had in me any more. we hugged and kissed goodbye he left and i've been in bed in tears since. i so wish i had someone to comfort me right now. i look to my aunts visit next month with dread instead of excitement at this point. all i can do is do my best to prepare for it in advance. in the mean time... i need a hug

therapy and BDSM

2010-07-08T02:45:00.000-08:00

i'm a big believer in therapy, i have years under my belt and continue to go as a maintenance tool. no, i am far from fixed but i had hit a point where i was burnt out on self discovery and needed to take a break to enjoy the progress i've made. there is a few things i would suggest a sub ask a therapist they were planning to see... first, if you are not kink aware can you be open minded about my choice of lifestyle? second, can you work with my Master as well when making a plan or goals concerning me, and also if you are into pain can they refrain from bringing in outsiders if you happen to reveal any play sessions or disciplines. they have to realize that because our lifestyles are generally a delicate issue for outsiders trust is extremely important.
these are all points that have come up with me, alaska has limited resources for therapists and i've ended up with several who i have had to fire because they were so close minded. when you find one who will work within the parameters you lay out you can build a strong foundation for a a lasting relationship.
with all that said about therapists i need to bring up that if you are in therapy and you find yourself with a new Master/Mistress you should not let them talk you out of seeing your therapist, limit what you may talk about or make you reveal what you talk about in your sessions if you feel uncomfortable doing so. yes you may be submissive but your mental health is very important and should be taken seriously by your partner.

hangin with the family

2010-07-04T05:37:00.000-08:00

well my brother made it up to visit the other day, so we've been spending loads of time together. his wife cant stand us but this time seems to be really trying to get along with mom and i, i like her well enough... sure i think shes a psycho bitch from hell but hey, he loves her so that's good enough for me.
i've really missed family time its funny i hadn't even thought about it until we were sitting around the picnic table tonight laughing and remembering. if i could travel i'd go hang out with him for a while, but it's so hard on me physically that it's not worth the risks involved just for a vacation.i'm so glad i've gotten to see him again though i really needed a boost as i was bottoming out this past week. i know i'm seriously depressed when i can recognize it and i think damn this is bad. usually others see it first and tell me. i was just talking to the psychiatrist about upping my meds and seeing what she could do to get me referred to the pain clinic. i really think a huge part of my lack of stability is chronic pain, the doctors don't want to treat it with meds strong enough to help giving the standard excuses about addiction and possible side effects. what'd be addicting to me is not being in pain, as far as side effects, whats worse than hurting so badly you can't function? that's depressing,lol
anyway i'm looking forward to hanging with my bro again today, doing the BBQ thing and having some fun while i can.... sometimes you need to grab on to little pieces of life and live the hell out of them.
and to you all happy 4th

independence day

2010-07-01T02:10:00.000-08:00

i've always hated that name independence day, i never wanted to be independent. i love having a Daddy to belong to, to follow, to hopefully make proud. i'm not lost being alone but it's not how i chose to live my life and it's not how i'm the happiest.
there are those who feel that someone with a mental illness should not ever enter into a lifestyle relationship, but honestly i know with the support of the right Master my mental health has been at its best and i have thrived like never before. i will be the first person who will say abuse has no place in a relationship, mental illness or not, but i believe that guidance and control can be a good thing for some, it is for me.
so... for now i am independent

i am so dissappointed

2010-06-23T19:33:00.000-08:00

well just when i think i have run across every low life that calls himself master one shows up that just blows my mind...

i vote him dick head of the year.

so i meet this guy on collarme, we start talking, he wants to send me a few files with things like pics and junk, well ok i see no harm he seems nice enough. OMG he plants a key logger on my pc and starts tracking my every move, if it weren't for the fact that my shift keys were acting funny i would have never known. i go get tech support to fix my shift key issue and they suggest i run a check for a key logger, i did and up it shows as downloaded at the time i got the files from him. so i get rid of it change my passwords to everything then confront him with a screenshot of the info provided about it, he tried for about 3 min to deny it, then he tries to justify it... like there is any justification for spying on someone you do not own at that point he just disappeared.

i just don't get the mind set of someone who feels just because they call themselves a Dom that they have the right to do any and everything they want to any one they please. see this is where the internet has helped screw the lifestyle... any bozo who can have a fantasy can say they are one of us NOT.

one less excuse

2010-06-20T07:18:00.001-08:00

well my new keyboard arrived yesterday and last night i installed it in my laptop, it hasn't helped my typos any but it sure makes life easier than using the virtual keyboard. so now i have one less excuse for not posting in my blog and one more thing to keep my fat evil cat away from, he was the one who destroyed the last keyboard. oh hey this means i can check out the chat rooms again. it was too hard to keep up typing one key at a time so i stayed out of them. not that that was a bad thing i spent way too much time in the drama filled world of chat.
i also got my van this week, it's not pretty but it's functional for what i need. hopefully i can get my ramp soon so i can be mobile by fair time, it would be nice to not have to wait for city transport. speaking of fair time, my favorite aunt is planning a trip up to alaska then so i'll be way busy with nilla activities. she's actually the only family member i've fully outed myself to about the lifestyle. most close to me know but it's don't ask don't tell... with her we've gotten into details. she's somewhat a Daddys girl actually herself so it's nice to have someone close i can talk to.
today is the solstice celebration in town, if the rain lets up at all i'll be going to the outdoor festivities. live music on every block tons of concession stands and just this great laid back family type atmosphere. when i first came to alaska every solstice we had a mini woodstock type party about 10 miles outside of town. a whole weekend of loud music beer and drugs, it was a wild time. l0l i remember one year going on a leash no one batted an eye as my Master lead me around. i think that was the safest i've ever felt in a crowd.

time for a new look

2010-06-14T02:06:00.000-08:00

i've been working on a way to change my nick... as soon as i come up with something i'll be switching hopefully to slvchar hmm maybe even as soon as tonight. actually i believe if i make a profile for slvchar then just give it admin privileges it should work.
i also gave the blog a well deserved face lift. black is just more fitting for the topics here... all though i should make a new header to match, i'll take on that project after i get my new keyboard for my laptop. using the virtual kb is getting old fast.
so i was reading an article earlier linking depression and weight gain... like a whole bunch of fat depressed people didn't know this already. but hell now that they've done a study we can all breathe a sigh of relief huh? lol it's more ironic i think that it took them so long to do a study on it, all be it the fat and the depressed are two of the forgotten population.
i would love to see a study done on the link too BDSM and abuse. i honestly think a very large part of the lifestyle population became so as a result of childhood and adolescent trauma. it is a debate that constantly leads to heated arguments in chat rooms.

cha cha cha changes

2010-06-05T01:03:00.000-08:00

i know life is a state of transition but change seems to unsettle the alts. perhaps its those minute insecurities i go through that upsets them. i've been trying to sell my car, it was my grammas car and i bought it from her estate when she passed away. needless to say it has been a bit of a security blanket for me over the years. this am i woke up in the car with my cat bob (who hates cars) i'm guessing charlie was protesting the car sale by moving into it, her doll blankie and colors were there along with the bologna and cheese. it made me feel bad that it's so upsetting to her that life moves on.
i know they are there to handle the stresses in my life that i'm not good with, but sometimes like this morning i have to ponder at this point is it me or my alts that are the most fragile? and wtf is the point of them coming out if it's just going to add chaos to my life? *sighs* oh well i'm sure as with most thing in life it'll just make me stronger.

to those who have served

2010-05-31T22:48:00.000-08:00

my family has always been the wave the flag and love the USA type, in fact mom makes a point every year to have a notice put up at the army base inviting the lonely soldiers to our memorial day and 4th of july bbqs. even when we didn't have much money she'd somehow pull a rabbit out of her hat to feed us all. to me it goes without saying that those who sign up to protect and serve deserve much more than they end up with. if we all did something to show them we respect and care this country might follow suit and start taking better care of them.
lets celebrate their memories all year long.

late night blues

2010-05-28T03:55:00.000-08:00

i realize staying up late messes with me, but i seem to be up just the same. i really liked that i had a set bed time with Dralor, it made me feel safe to know i was crawling into bed because he said to. my nights aren't that safe honestly. my alts tend to come out then and gawd knows they can find trouble without looking. i have tried for years to figure out what prompts them coming out once i'm sleeping and the only thing that makes much sense is i have severe sleep apnea and perhaps my struggling to breathe triggers them. i know that sounds stupid but really because of the sleep apnea for years i couldn't sleep by myself. who knows maybe it happens because of nightmares.
the one thing i am sure of is it's late i've got work in the afternoon and i'm going to be way tired. i need Daddy to tuck me in.

sad songs

2010-05-23T06:16:00.000-08:00

been up all night listening to sad songs and torturing myself in my loneliness. it seems that i can relate with every song i've played. i should shut my eyes and wake up less depressed but i just keep listening. i guess it may be because the last of my cousins i used to babysat got married sat... i can't believe i'm the only one left who's never took that leap. honestly looking back i can't think of anyone i've been involved with who was marriage material. maybe i should bring that subject up with the shrink mon. it would get him off trying to push me into taking another DBT class. balls, i think i'll try to sleep before the morning sun burns out my retinas.
night yall

being a submissive with DID

2010-05-19T03:48:00.001-08:00

it is very difficult to have mental disorders as a sub, i honestly wish at times that i wasn't one mostly because of the extra stress it adds to the mix. there have been times that Dominants have walked away rather than deal with my alts. as a matter of fact most Doms will not even think of collaring a sub with "issues" so where does that leave someone in my shoes? well i tend to be overly honest with the men i meet, lay the good bad n ugly right out there perhaps to scare them off so i don't get hurt once again. bad part for me is when that vulnerable part of me intrigues them to get closer. at this point i question their motives so much they get offended and go. those who stay end up frustrated and without a clue how to handle me.
Dralor stuck it out for a long time. he studied all he could find on the topic of DID and insisted he and i work closely with my therapist. he also went to great lengths to build working relationships with my alts. i am very grateful to him for all he did to support me. hopefully i'll find another like him someday.

pain

2010-05-15T17:27:00.000-08:00

when i chose today's quote it made me start thinking about how i fit in it, i'm not a physical pain slut... but i think maybe an emotional one. there are times i grab hold of past hurts and all but revel in the feeling. someone once said you are the most alive when in pain, perhaps i need the highs the lows can bring.
i do know i find myself far too self involved to pay attention when required. that'll kill most D/s relationships.

on another note i was thinking i should do an update on the alts... well charlie seems to be taking the loss of her Daddy very hard her drawings are so sad, lots of tears. C on the other hand is writing me again all be it she seems angry i walked away without trying harder. in my defence it ended long before i quit trying. chris, well he has enough satisfaction that us girls are hurting i think as he has stopped terrorizing us for now.
sadly i still miss Him every day... i hope he misses me at times * sighs*

crawling out of the woodwork

2010-04-24T13:41:00.000-08:00

lately past partners are popping up all over, it is a dangerous thing for me to be single as i fail to remember why we broke up until i get involved again. then when it starts to suck it all comes back to me. hmm lets see what i can remember right now, well the first guy that showed up, he always seems pretty awesome except when you factor in the fact he pulls this disappearing act most magicians would envy. the second guy, well he's been an emotionally safe person due to the minor inconvenience of his wife. the most recent is someone i tried to change from vanilla to Master and somehow in the transition he became this self serving jerk... i should have left him bland at least i mattered to him then.
yup all great reasons to stay far far away from them but yet their familiarity seems so comforting.

and yet life goes on

2010-04-21T01:08:00.000-08:00

my life the last few years has been rough on me physically. i'm recovering from my third major surgey in a 3yr period, all of them having complications and costing me just about all of my mental resources not to sink into a depression who's depths rival the deepest abyss. i'd like to say my Master has been there supporting me throughout... but no, due to my needfulness he slowly backed away untill he is nothing but a voice on an answering machine. months go by between his calls to me, the last was right after my post here we were no longer together where he made his excuses about why he'd been an abcentee Daddy and his promices to do better. i hoped he would and tried to be a "better"girl to keep his interests but sadly it didn't happen and i've had to go through my latest hospitalization alone.
so life goes on for me alone and it won't happen that he'll be back again because i need to take care of me not mourn him. like my last post i have to take care of my needs as he no longer will. i think i need a break while i finish my recouperation. those who know me ty for all your support
char

26 yrs and counting

2010-04-18T01:03:00.000-08:00

yes i started in the lifestyle young, because of that i had many misconceptons about what it really meant and what the "rules" were. i believed the slave held no power and it was absolutely unheard of that when someone is abused you have the option to walk away. because of my particular mental issues i look back and see now how i searched out men who had the abuser type personality, how i equated love with hurt pain and lonliness. hell even now if i don't pay attetion i find i can slip back to those old ways and long for that abuser who pays for my love with my heartache and tears.
you are your greatest advocate in life, make sure you pay attention to your needs and wants. don't let those who you love strip you of yourself to sute them. being a submissive really is a gift you give a Dom\me. they need to realzie that and not misuse it.

"If I destroy you, I destroy myself. If I honor you, I honor myself."

--Hunbatz Men, MAYAN

i'm home

2010-04-13T03:20:00.001-08:00

i know i haven't been blogging, i just got home from a 20 day stay in the hospital surgey included. so although i lost over 50lbs and got my very own hollywood designer VaJJ i'm still to sore to walk and not healed enough for fun yet. *sighs*

ok you have my excuse for not writing... what's yours???

a change of heart

2010-03-27T23:31:00.000-08:00

when we last tuned in i no longer was with Master, well for now we seem to be together... hey don't look at me... i'm a sub with multiples who just loves the guy, i can't be held responible for flipflopping. hopefully i won't be let down.

and then there was one

2010-02-22T01:40:00.000-09:00

ok yea the not getting attention from my Master took its toll, no i don't think it was in some way my fault. he knew i came with a few needs that if not met affected my stability, the biggest was being ignored or put"away" till later. he mistakenly made the bold statement he would NEVER put me through that. well he opted out of that without any mention to me, leaving meto make excuses or lie when asked about his wellbeing.well maybe he is dead in a ditch i'll never know because he has cut me out of his circle.

bye Master Dralor where ever you are.....

finding time

2010-02-05T16:56:00.000-09:00

you would think an unemployed submissive that doesnt live 24/7 with her Master could easily find time during the day to do tasks such as blog, honestly when this one was started i thought, nooo problem it'll give me something to focus on now that i am no longer living in the BDSM chat rooms... funny how that works though. time management is almost an impossable feat to achieve with DID though. so many times i'll set out a schedule for the day only to find the day has ended and my alts had more important things.
Master never tried to micro manage me because of this, well and because he is not the micro kinda guy(thank BOB or he'd have dumped me by now) he dies require though that i try and spend the time i am out working in some positive mannor, wether it be working on my coping skills, improving my health or getting in touch with my creative side. when i'm not depressed that does happen actually it helps me to keep depression at bay at times.

the easiest for me is to have a positive list of things i can fall back on if i find myself in need of ideas. that list has grown from 10 things to over a hundred though time, trial and error. i also try to keep myself informed on my conditions plus what ever tips or tricks that they may offer. sure i still have some very difficult days that i get hung up on, but i'm becomming more equipped with some tools to help the days not turn into weeks or months.

slow to post

2010-02-03T18:10:00.000-09:00

i admit i haven't written, hell i havent done much of anything lately online. it seems the more things get busy with Masters life i have been trying to find new ways to not get in trouble. my biggest goal, limit my time online has taken a toll on my blog, i think i need to push it up further on my priorities list for online.

things in my life are on a less drama filled path right now. at some point in this past year i realized that most of my complaints health wise were not being taken seriously by my drs and have been working at correcting this. once you are labled with mental issues every dr you deal with tries to brush off what you are talking about into the crazy pile. i have found that i no longer can just go into a drs office and complain about a problem, they seem to only act on it if i have a short {for lack of a better word} journal of what is going on. so i guess that is the biggest advice i have lately, keep track of symptoms or reactions that involve your reason for your drs visit. the more proactive you can be with them the more seriously you'll be taken, also taking someone along with you helps as well.
i'm sure other things will just jumpo out at me i should have written as well but hell that just gives me reason to write more later

btw welcome new member

almost made it

2009-12-30T04:45:00.001-09:00

well i almost got away without posting for the mo of Dec.... then the guilts kicked in and here i am. yup i'm by not posting breaking a firm rule set when i started this blog, and yes if Master had the time or the interest to check i'd be in trouble... but at this point i think he has neither. and that has been my whole not posting point... but then again acting out our issues online is boring and pedantic. this blog is mine to show my growths and realizations not mine to be a crybaby.
hey has anyone noticed that the new layout for the blogs nolonger has spell check? what do they think we've all become spelling bee champs???
i know i have yet to be able to spell more than 300 words without a misspell of some sort.
as it is such a gawdawful time of the morning to be writing i'll more than likely not get into a big dispute with myself over anything and pretty much stick to the month in past attractions.
dec 2nd was my birthday, it seems to be the common birthday for us all. charlie has been out roaming the apartment a bunch this month but hell, a 6yr old with a birthday plus the holidays... i doubt many sleep all mo.
it has been a mo of loss for me, my therapist who i trusted enough to share my alts with has left her practice and i'm still floating along until they get her replacement set. starting over and over makes each time more difficult to take serious the ammount of commitment i'll be getting.after all the psych part of my life is really the only part really about ME,so me is set aside for now till the newest of a long line finds their place in my journy.
things between Master and i are on a down cycle right now, well for a while now. i don't see it being the end of us but i think it'll take something serious on his part to shake us back up.
made the holidays rough for me but when the Dom needs space its still our job to give it.
he knows my level of love and commitment to him.
health wise things have been still not up to par but hmmm i'm still here

time keeps tick tick ticking away.....

my winter cycle

2009-11-11T07:06:00.000-09:00

well here in alaska it is winter, i catch myself looking forward to a hotflash as i have yet to get used to the beginning of the frozen months ahead. all curled up wrapped in a shawl with my fuzzy sliipers on the vigil of spring starts its painfully slow countdown.
this next several weeks life tends to get harder for me to participate in, moms birthday just passed, mine is dec 2nd right in the midst of the holidays. sinse becoming an adult i sort of think of myself as a mirror image of charlie brown, wanting to kick that football, trusting its time is finally here, then lucy pulls it away leaving me flat on my back. yup, i want so much for the holidays to be the way i always dreamed as a child. but alas they end up so anticlimactic i find myself extremely depressed.
who knows this year maybe it wont be so bad

questions i have

2009-10-25T04:48:00.000-08:00

is it really ok to feel that you can carry on conversations with your Dom/me as if they were your friend?
i find at times with Master that our conversations take on a comfortable, i can say anything tone to them. i'll then start to wonder at what point does this cross the line to disrespect for his authority. at that point i tend to go quiet and the conversation stalls. but the thousands of words leading to that stalled moment have already been said, a bell that can't be unrung.

i do know that he enjoys that we can conversate, it is not so with all sub/slaves. i just tend to get a sense of uncomfortableness at times as if i have acted way to familiar with him. perhaps i have and he is saving it in his little score pad for later when he can properly punish me. i have had past Doms do that and feel it is not correct to "save up" punishments. to best correct a behavior you act on it when it happens is how i see it, much like training a puppy... wait too long and the reason you are correcting them no longer is a focus and there for the punishment becomes no longer a correction.

so my second question i think should be, is saving up punishments an effective method of actually correcting behavior?

i have a question concerning acts of the multiples, should a Dom/me expect that they can discipline the other personalities as they are a part of you and you are his property?

my Master chooses to act in whatever the best manner to suit the current personality, most of mine, not so sub. he does however with my 6 yr old alt set rules (no going out in the dark, wear clothes outside, do not set fires to boats in the bathtub, do not put the housecat outside no matter how much she hates him, call Daddy if she is sick, hurt, scared or sad... not 911, no running away from home when one of us others upsets her) i'm sure there are more and yes with her they have to be that specific as she seems to be a child who has an amazing gift for loophole finding.

the many faces of depression

2009-09-23T01:39:00.000-08:00

i was talking with Master earlier about depression, lord knows it's a word used in my life regularly, but i think the reasons for it are generally different at points.

i wanted to touch on different examples and how they have been treated. ok first lets start with the most prevalant form i get.... my life or surrounding situation sucks and i follow along becoming depressed. perhaps if i was able to see it when it happens i could deal with it without medical intervention and instead using the behavioral tools i know. the second is more of a chemical depression i get several times throughout the year it sort of cycles through and this i've found generally takes a jumpstart of meds to get me out of the funk. the third type i see as i look over my past is the dangerous kind, sneeky and devistating. it can take me from a well coping person to someone suffering with suicidal thoughts without warning, the reason this is so dangerous for me is when it hits me i don't see it, feel very comfortable with it and because of past well intended people in my life have learned to "keep it to myself"
the chicken and the egg arguement comes up from time to time when talking about depression, its syptoms and effects... ok sleep disturbance, well yes it can be brought on by dpression or it could be the sleep disturbance is part of the cause for it.in that case do you treat the disturbance or the depression, or both? for me i'd rather figure out which came first in my case, i know that not getting regular sleep effects me greatly so with the help of Master, my therapists and psyc docs it is something i try to work on keeping inline. if it gets out of control in my case it serves me best to try to regulate my sleep first before changing or adding meds as the temp "cure" can cause me further issues.
if you have a doc that doesnt try to seperate the cause/effects of depression and just push meds then my friend i'd think about trying to find someone more proactive than reactive to help you.
none of us are wired exactly the same as the person next to them and because of that unless you come with shematics getting to know you is a huge key to what will work the best for you. please don't play a passive role, it is your life that is being "fixed"

working on me

2009-08-31T01:58:00.002-08:00

with all the new additions to the equation lately it is making it seem like twice as much effort is needed to do the right things for myself and the others i care about. i am really making an effort in physical therapy even though it hurts to do it... i need results. i am maintaining the faith in my relationship with Daddy even though sometimes it is difficult and i am trying to work towards a better future.

my most recent dilemma is that they have found an inpatient clinic that may be able to help me, and out of the 50 states it is located in the one my Master lives in. there are major drawbacks though, first i'll lose my apartment up here when i go leaving me homeless when i get out, second the place is about 900 miles away from Daddy and since he doesn't drive there is little to no chance i'd see him even once which would break my heart totally and seriously damage my will to make it through the program and to top it off with my stepfather in renal failure he is more than likely going to die while i am in the program, and i wouldn't be with the ones who need me and i need them the most... my family.

ok now with all the setbacks i have listed the plus sides are one... they found someplace to help me, two... if i make it through it'll be the most positive thing i have ever done for myself and 3... i know i am ready for this change.

so what do i do about the baggage that might throw me offtrack??? ok first i think i should find out everything about this program, see if it is all it seems to be, once that is done i should work on a timeline to get there, they say my stepfather may only be here a few more mo, perhaps realistically i wouldn't be able to get into the program until he is gone. also i need to explore all options about what to do with my apartment and future living arrangements.

please help me find the strength to get through this without screwing it or myself up...

thought from a movie

2009-08-22T21:33:00.002-08:00

i just finished watching the worlds best dad, one of his final thoughts was "i used to think the worst thing in life was being alone, it isn't. the worst thing in life is being with people who make you feel alone"

i so get that

when life pulls it's punches

2009-08-22T04:20:00.002-08:00

during this time that i have limited contact with Master i seem to need his support more than ever. his strength and ability to center me is very needed at this moment. my family is going through a medical crisis as the man i have looked up to as a father figure finds himself at the crossroads of life, not willing to be put on dialysis he is coming home from the hospital to "be comfortable" for the next few weeks until he passes. never being the source of great strength, but yet the only child my mom has left here she is turning to me for support. i love her but the whole uncertainty of how our relationship will mature or deteriorate without his mediation once he is gone along with my own feelings of pending loss has affected me in ways i had hoped i had mastered... not so. after reaching out to my support system without success my not so nice alt popped up to take over and remind me with a swift kick to my gut that they are still there and ready to pounce.

don't get me wrong, i had made a sort of inner peace with the fact that the lil one was still coming out, but had hoped it was the last i would see of chris once i started doing so well after DBT. i am sure looking back now it was wishful thinking, the fact that i had been able to learn new skills can only go so far when it comes to grief, loss, and unsurities. i have done so well because i wasn't tested to this point, now i know my limits and can start working with them.

first though mom and "dad" are a priority

lost in time

2009-08-13T04:43:00.003-08:00

some how since Master has been away from the Internet my priorities regarding it have very much changed. for instance its been far over a month since i have bothered to check in at the bdsm sites i enjoy or to sit down here long enough to update things.... (bad subbie)

it is funny but something that was such a huge part of my life had been put on the back burner while Master and i spent far more important moments communicating on a more intiment level since our time has not been full of him having to deal with the daily he said, she saids that interrupted us every time i was in chat, in the forums or looking for online friendships.

my alts have seemed to be on an extended napping cycle, well all but lil miss active charlie, ever present, ready to pop out and play when she can get an opening. shes not so bad since i started seeing her for what she is instead of blaming her for what i am.... she was first, long before the others and she has been the one who kept my pieces safely tucked away waiting for me to grow enough to not need them protected. i have no clue if that day will ever come, there may always be bologna rolls, tang, color books and colors in my life but somehow the thought seems almost comforting.

watch

2009-06-22T02:02:00.001-08:00

Watch your actions; they become habits.Watch your habits they become character; Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

yeay goin to the sleep clinic

2009-06-18T23:27:00.003-08:00

i'm not sure i've ever mentioned i have sleep apnea, pretty severe actually. i have run the gamut of having surgery for it, being on a bi-pap machine to being on a c-pap machine, every 7 or 8 years i've needed an update because the current treatment has quit working for me... well 7 years hit about 2 years ago and i have been living a narcoleptic type existence for a while now. as soon as my mind gets in the idle mode poof i'm dozed off. sucks while sitting in a waiting room to have the receptionist wake me for snoring, stopping at a traffic light and dozing while waiting for it to turn green... spending half of my time with Master dozing on him. so the night of the 27th i'll be going in for my tune up.

Showtime - United States of Tara Home

2009-06-14T04:08:00.001-08:00

Showtime - United States of Tara Home

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life love and happiness

2009-06-08T00:34:00.002-08:00

it has taken me forever to be able to honestly say i can maintain happiness for more than a moment, or longer than while someone glances my way.

this past year has been big for me, despite my heath failing in major ways the whole time i have learned that i can still keep it together when i really need to. even when i think i'm falling apart i am catching myself and patching things up as best i can.

yeay me

Master, my love, my friend my mentor and my Daddy you have been there through the worst of times and the better ones... i realize we are far from the perfect poster Dom/sub but omg we fit so well. i could go a thousand more years before i found someone who complements me as well as you do.

oh yea, life for me generally daily sucks in some manner or another, my ups can be way up, but the downs can blind side me. physically i realize there is so very much that needs to happen before i'll ever be able to go through a whole day where i can relax in comfort, but it'll happen i have faith.

knowing that i am a multiple no longer makes me feel guilty, mad and out of control... well hell we cant forget jealous and envious as well. i think the biggest part of that is my realization that they came to help me through some events in my past that i would not have survived without them. they have been my fall back and my support system long before i knew i needed either. now that i have grown hopefully they will see i can handle more on my own all the time and eventually they will step back and join me as one.

for those who have served...

2009-05-24T03:34:00.003-08:00

THANK YOU

i spend hours listening to my Master recount his time in the military, and every moment no matter the story i find myself filled with pride that he was one of the brave and the few... well not so few as so many have served in our armed forces... he did it with honor and courage... thank you Master, you have become a greater man for all you have given. the same heart felt thanks goes to all the men and women throughout the years, in war time and in peace who have gone day in and out through the struggles, fears and triumphs of being in the military. so much has been given... but not lost to keep our country free and safe. i say not lost because as i look back each soldier who did not make it home paved the way for the next ones who did.... and to those soldiers who were taken too soon, your friends, families and nation will never forget... so you are not lost.... you will forever be in our hearts.

so i ask

2009-05-23T11:04:00.006-08:00

who among us is really in control of their lives, i mean do you have every single part of your life balanced neatly, your dinner table set beautifully... the house immaculate, children happy and well adjusted, work assignments up to date and still have time to plant the perfect garden, climb that tree, or what ever else relaxes and revitalizes you?

No? welcome to real life, the one where things screw up and time runs out. those who have said yes.... hmmm i cant help thinking you are in it for appearances, that real life has little to do with it. god forbid someone ever open doors in your house on the way to the sparkling bathroom because chaos and disorder would shoot out at you like the springy snakes from the peanut can.

i don't trust people who hide their messes, use smoke and mirrors to be the brady bunch... btw did you ever watch that show? first of all it was not a reality show it was a sitcom... stuff wasn't perfect and if everyone had a live in cook, housekeeper/nanny maybe they wouldn't need the smoke and mirrors, just the closed doors.

my mom is one of those who has piled so much bull shit in every hidden space over the years it is gotten to the point she gets freaked constantly that her jack in the box world might just pop open on her and show everyone a peek at the chaos behind the scenes. the stress that comes with that sort of life has to be amazing. it also comforts me that i could never really get it together, that my alts seemed to find a way of keeping me from "perfection" because hell i don't think i could handle that kind of load. i've grown more and more comfortable with the clutter.

don't ask me to be perfect, ask me to be the best that i can be... clutter n all

we welcome another

2009-05-12T04:17:00.005-08:00

well there seems to be a new addition to the list of alts that i'm aware of... and you hear it here first... shes shy and likes to write poetry, i'm not sure of her name yet besides she signs things C.

i'll fill in more details as i am able to find them out. but for now i leave you with one of her poems.

I am one
Alone inside a multitude
Dreaming of the day we come together
Talents strengths happiness weaknesses and sadness
Blended like instruments playing a beautiful melody
I hear them out there
Each with their own notes
Until our song comes together
I am one

one or two things

2009-04-26T19:42:00.003-08:00

well talked to Daddy and yes... i've been neglecting my blog.... flog me please. i got to graduate from the DBT classes last week, cute lil certificate and all. Daddy says that he his proud, i... haven't decided what i am yet. i think all in all progress was made. i have just had so little energy for words lately i really haven't had much to write about.... the brain is sizzling as i type.

i think i'm a bit burnt on the therapy thing and the fixing myself thing at the moment. actually i know i am, i've been putting off making an appointment just to get a little space from it. the alts are down to a slow roar, no big insights, issues or new and inventive ways to make me feel nuts. the odd thing is even though i feel like i'm in this ebb at the moment, it doesn't feel like depression at all. maybe we can have low energy periods without it being the end of the world??

oh by the way if you haven't checked out the broken toys link to the right of the page in a while please do, its been redone and looks great.

another month

2009-04-06T05:54:00.006-08:00

seem to be a bit blah about the prospect of blogging lately... maybe because it still seems like no one honestly looks at it. i need to get over that though and do what i set out to, inform people as well as get my story out there to the masses **giggles at the masses**

hmmmmm whats the newness in my life? well there are a few things really, sadly it came down to losing a friend because they weren't good for me and my progress. i had hoped it would work out, we really clicked but i have to agree with Daddy that it was disruptive and not in keeping with trying to make my life more stable. i am almost to the end of my DBT classes, Daddy says he can notice a change, i'll do my best to keep working on it. last, i am not hearing hardly anything at all from any of my alts except the child charlie lately. maybe i'm learning to better handle stress and things and not triggering them as much. oh there is no real news to update on my other physical issues yet but we are working on it, i did start to use an exercise bike a lil this weekend, hopefully the more i get used to it the better my stamina will get. i really would love to one day kneel at Daddy's feet.

progress??

2009-03-22T02:30:00.002-08:00

this past week i had a bad day... now to those of you without mental illness the thoughts might come to mind, ohh burnt dinner missed my bus, yadda yadda. now to those of you with mental illness i think you could agree a bad day is different. well for the most part anyway. mine consisted of physically feeling like hell which caused discomfort and anxiety that steadily ramped up higher and higher until when it crested it left a huge wake of emotional debris. Master spent the entire day trying his best to keep me as even as possible but when it no longer worked and i was pushing his collar back at him he tried to reach out for help to a friend and family. it compounded matters but i am grateful in it all his collar remains with me as i know not only was it i who made progress but he did as well.

his was being more open, tolerant and compassionate about what i needed. the fact that even though it went south he rode it out and was there for me and charlie, a far cry from when we first started down the path together and he blamed and hollered when i just needed him to hold on for the ride and be there when it ended. to his frustration back then he could not fix it so he remained frustrated far past the crises. i think he finally gets it, him helping me fix it is going to take a long time and lots of work and part of that work is just managing the endurance to make it through the bad days.

my progress through out this episode, i did not think of suicide or self harming, even though it did get out of hand i knew it would come to an end at some point and instead of letting what ever alt stepped up to the plate take over... some how i was able to bring the child up so that chris did not have a chance to come out and hurt us as well as blast the situation to hell. it was a first that i felt i had some control in who was the alt that showed up.

i did try my skills from DBT throughout the day, i am not sure how much help or what effect they had since things still continued to escalate and did finally end not so nice, but perhaps it was those skills that kept things from being so much worse. what ever the actual help was i later gave my apologies, talked with my family and have since made a determined effort to not let that day ruin where i am in my life.

a quiet week

2009-03-17T05:40:00.002-08:00

this past week has been rather quiet, it's a nice change from daily drama. my alts seem to have gone into a state of just being for now, charlie is i am assuming happy with her toys, bologna and cheese and colors, the troubled one has been in the background for quite some time without any of his screw the world theatrics and maybe the new meds have "the one who shall not be named" in a better state of mind.

i'll be busy this week with appointments so maybe it'll fly by quickly. i am interested in finding out if my therapist finally got in contact with my dr about the next steps i need to take to get me on the path to physical wellness. it sure would be nice to be able to walk more than a few feet at a time without feeling like i'm going to have a massive coronary or something.

i have been looking through the web for more interesting materials to post here and hope to find some like themed things to add. oh btw if you have a blog, journal or other that you would like added please let me know . send an email or leave a comment.

roommates n things

2009-03-09T16:08:00.003-08:00

been given the chance to get a roommate for a few mo, might help on bills and things plus my alts aren't quite as active when i am in a more secure feeling setting, like not living alone. maybe i'll do it that way i can work on me without having quite as many emotional setbacks. besides that DBT is going well, have a class tomorrow for some reason, either the fact my therapist is one of the teachers or maybe because it's being taught differently than the first time, it just seems like less of a pain in the ass as the first time i took it.

i am still hoping at some point Daddy will decide to post in here, his ways of handling me have become so much more in tune with me than at first and i'd love for him to be able to share insights as to how do you Master with a broken toy. lol even though he still has all sorts of questions himself i think things he's found to work might be helpful to others.

one step forward two back

2009-03-02T04:47:00.002-09:00

all of the work i've been doing on myself to learn how to handle things better, stock up my toolbox with the skills to deal with life and relationships.... i guess i've been so busy patting myself on the back about it i forgot, i'm not the only one on my side of a relationship. so yea i can fix me up all i want but i still have to worry about how they'll react with people in my life.

i met a new friend, we've been getting along great, yesterday without warning , well ok i was upset but it was not enough to trigger the nastiest alt up to bat and let him have a go at things... when i looked back and saw the fact that he had been out and not only was self destructive but totally smashed that friendship to bits i have to wonder what all i'm doing is really for. i know the whole bit about needing the tools so i can assume responsibility for myself and not need to depend on the alts but man, it is so depressing having to watch as things never seem to change along the way. maybe i should stick with the crazy friends and stop trying to have normal in my life.

my my my time flies

2009-02-26T02:50:00.002-09:00

seems like yesterday i even started this blog and then the intent, at least two to three posts a week... i need to stop screwing around with my virtual villagers and do it. omg i just love the lil people i can be like the puppeteer with them.... *laughs manically* dance puppets danceeee.

ok things i've learned and take to heart since i started blogging...

i can't take the blame for every ones fuckups, some do belong to people other than me.

sometimes when proactive doesn't work, reactive works even less. stop and think

a certain amount of alone time is good for even me, the queen of scared to be alone.

i have no business getting mad because Master always wants to fix things, if all i do is bring him my problems.

part of accepting myself is accepting that my alts are there because i once would have shattered without them and i need to stop fighting their existence.

in the end Daddy will still be there...

making a change

2009-02-17T03:26:00.004-09:00

there was a song that paul simon did, the flip side to one trick pony called long long day i swear between the two sides i wore a hole in the 45 and i was just a kid. funny thing is i'm still doing my one trick just like that pony and i can feel every bit of that long long day. this am i should be asleep dreaming the things that i want to be in my next life, instead my crappy cold still is keeping me awake until i just get so tired my body doesn't respond to the "oh shit i need air" alert and wake up. bad side to that, it takes so long for that to happen i'm not sure which suffers worse my mind or body. Daddy is starting to get into his lecture mode on how i need my sleep pattern regulated, i need my meds on time... i tend to lose track of when i did what or if i did it when the lack of sleep starts climbing to critical mass. i'm so run down daily anyway that even the smallest bump in the road sends me hurtling further the wrong way.

is there an answer? i've fought and fought the "it's your weight" response i get from the Drs but seeing as how they rule out the more obvious things.... maybe it's my weight... perhaps the past year has degraded me physically to the point that once what was a workable (not comfy or healthy but i could manage ok) weight for me now has become an insurmountable obstacle for me to live my life anywhere but in my bed. so, ok i'll accept it, it's my weight.... now hellpppppp... i need my life back. i need to be able to walk to the bathroom or out my front door, most of all i need to be able to serve my Master. if you know me please encourage me with this. if you don't know me, i could use yours too.

star date....

2009-02-08T23:20:00.003-09:00

do you think as people with mental illnesses we choose to not get well sometimes? is it really that much more comfortable to go through the daily drama of whatever your illness may be than to face the unknown, or to end up possibly happy for more than a 3 second period of time? yea i think so, i know i did and still fight doing so. i wish i had the "perfect" support system in place for it all but i don't. my life is set up with small fractions of support systems none ever really there for me exactly when i need or with what i need but then, i suppose if it were that easy i could just lay back here on my bed and let them get me well. the hardest part is when i have to account for how i've been doing progress wise, did i do my homework that i do admit at times i put off till i just can't anymore. then i am left feeling like if i only had someone to blame... maybe Daddy, he wasn't there 24/7... maybe my friends they might not have picked up the phone or called back or messaged when i asked are you there? maybe my pca our schedules clashed all week.... how bout me? the one who has for years set the difficult stuff on ignore and only lived the simple things. me who has found 80 thousand ways to avoid any given action. yup the one who if i would follow through could write a book titled "how not"

ok yes i want to improve and i know the steps are mine to take to do it... no magic pills to make it all better.... 1 baby step, i stopped the blog and got out my homework and went through it. it didn't take tons of time, it didn't kill me and i made an effort today.

ok on a total different topic, one i should probably just do a second post to, the other day it came to my attention one of my alts may be suffering from menopause. here i thought the problems i had been having with her lately were related to me trying to integrate... but now well not so much. her going from the reasonable one to moody and emotional, almost childish behavior at times had taken me by surprise and quite frankly left me more than a bit uncomfortable. her role in my one woman show has been one of stability and strength, a get the job done kind of person. so how would that work then if i shut down and she was worse off than me? anyway my obgyn is starting to work with me on MY symptoms of menopause, i guess i should just add hers in as an oh and i forgot to mention these. any suggestions though i'd be interested in hearing.

sleeping on the job

2009-02-04T00:35:00.002-09:00

i planned to update earlier tonight so it would show as a tues post, but fell asleep and missed my window of time. tues have become a hard day on me physically since starting the DBT classes. they are a few hours long at a time, so my usual getting up and showering which leaves me tired out is extended to the trip there, two hours of sitting up... something i don't bitch about because there isn't anything they can do to fix it but sitting hurts. it takes allot of my attention to just keep that pain put in it's away place so i can do what i need to do. by the time i get home i'm so totally wiped out i don't have much left for anything else. Daddy likes to spend time talking to me after sessions or classes but it's sometimes even hard to be there for that.

we started talking about interpersonal relationships today, an area i can see things i would like to change, especially with how i relate to Master. so i look forward to seeing what i can take from this class and adapt in a D/s relationship. oh i'm not saying there aren't other areas i need this, it is just the one i was most struck by. oh plus they handed out snappy new colored folders too. the one thing they did though was had us split off into groups to work on an exercise, i think that is my most hated part of the program, at that point i am now faced with one of the collective and they are trying to get into my brain.... i am NOT borg....

back to our regularly schedualed program

2009-01-31T10:28:00.002-09:00

ok well it took me a few days to mull over how i felt about her posting on my blog, then i thought, if she'd like to post she can make her own profile and i'd be happy to add her to the author list... well maybe not happy but i'd be willing to. i just wouldn't like to log in and see that she's used my account again.

i'm not sure if it has been picked up on or not yet... i have not made "friends" with my alts. i tolerate them to a point but beyond that i get annoyed and upset with them. i realize this is unhealthy and self defeating but even though i realize they were created for the sake of me it still feels like a violation to have them in me where i can't go myself. those moments of time no matter how messed up were mine i feel like so many moments were taken from me, good and bad. perhaps some day they will give them back

I am NOT like that

2009-01-28T13:11:00.003-09:00

I happen to be the one Char keeps taking pot shots at and I think it is time I stand up and speak for myself here. I realize this is her forum and her project but she keeps talking about me as her alt who is demanding and bitchy. That is not me, her misconceptions of me may come from the fact that I don't have a way to communicate with her besides a note here and there. Maybe they have come from the people who have talked to me about her. No I don't want my name used here as there are people online who I have grown close to who don't know my situation. I would hate to have my friendships end because they found their way here and realized that I wasn't fully truthful with them. Yes it was upsetting to see my name here that night and I went to the one person we have in common to let him know that.
I had decided to become more quiet in their lives after his rejection of me and try to stay in the background unless I was needed but it is lonely for me and I am more of a social person than Char. I believe that is partially why I was made, not only to take over when she got confused or disoriented but to handle social situations where there were multiple people. I protect her from mostly from herself where as the child protects her more from others. Sure we all want what's best for her in the long run but there is always going to be parts of our personalities that want our own things. I don't see where there is a huge problem with that. Conjoined twins find a way to coexist there should be a workable solution here that comes without name calling and snarky comments.
C

the week in review

2009-01-26T10:30:00.002-09:00

this past week somehow slipped past (in a snail like fashion) without me writing, how so you might ask??? well i was particularly annoyed at the fact i felt i was pushed into taking DBT again, i didn't like it the first time and did my best to get out of it then. evidently it upset me enough to trigger one of my alts to attend for me so i didn't have t o anyway. but then after i began thinking... on what planet does my alt learning behavioral skills increase the odds of me integrating, in other words i should have been there.

i have made some noted progress as far as Daddy is concerned, i'm not flipping out as regularly, am staying a bit more balanced when we talk or spend time together. there is one thing he's done for quite some time that irritates the hell out of me though. as soon as i say hello to him, he says whats wrong? not everything is wrong all the time some times i just would like to say hi, ask advice or talk... better yet snuggle or have an interment moment. i've mentioned it before but still get.... whats wrong

time and time management

2009-01-18T13:16:00.004-09:00

i got to thinking how i absolutely have too much time to make myself nuts, but on the other hand unless strictly supervised my time management skills are almost zero, always have been. i guess the reason is i'm not the only one in control of my time. with the others and the way i lose time i never could manage it. luckily the appointments get covered... as long as she doesn't have a stick up her butt, because i'm even forgetful of that at times.

Daddy has been a big help if i let him know when i have important things coming up. he also has me set reminders and such to help. i'm funny about writing notes and how i can have one stuck right to my monitor n never actually see it again so that doesn't work. Daddy has been working hard at trying to get me on a regular bedtime routine for the longest, it straightens out for a little while but the least little thing screws it up again. i'm trying now to get the bedtime straight again after the latest slip up.

maybe someday it'll be just one of me and time will be all one flowing movement instead of chunks then i'll be able to find a way to manage.

journals on journals....

2009-01-14T21:18:00.004-09:00

ok so mon i went and cried at my therapists office for about half the session about all my frustrations involving my shit for health and how yea... the drs will do something to placate me when i come into the office, but since the mental health issues were made known to them they don't take me seriously.

since my radical hysterectomy this summer i have had one problem on top of another and they've built up to this huge wall i have to climb just to get out of bed each day. with the mental issues its just leaving me not equipped for it. her suggestions at least were proactive and are making me feel like i am doing something more than fighting the wall. i mean it's just little things, adding a daily health journal to my routine so when i go into the drs they can see what i'm fighting.... as much as i hate to journal (Daddy used to use it as a form of discipline for me because i hate it so much) i think it might help so i'll accept it and do it. getting an appointment with an OBGYN to start a discussion about what we can do to manage the surgical menopause symptoms since i can't take estrogen as well as involve my Dr with it all. also possibly start physical therapy to help build myself up. we will see where it all leads but for right now i don't feel as hopeless.

not feelin it

2009-01-11T05:29:00.004-09:00

i have started my self imposed cut off from the world since i can't go out into it, shutting down the things i do involve myself with. if it weren't for my requirement of semi regular posts here, there wouldn't be any right now. last week i blamed my not showering but once on the frozen drain, when in fact it was i just didn't feel it. i don't feel chatting with my friends, or honestly running after Daddy seeking his approval. we talked last night... it took a while for me to put on the everything is fine you can quit talking to me face. once i did he was satisfied and life was once again good for him. evidently charlie and he had talked in the morning and she said i was sad so he had to check and make sure i was ok.

speaking of charlie, the last time i posted the names of my alts one of them seemed to get upset by it. evidently she is not interested in being outed as having DID to her friends and the even more interesting point she tried to make was how do we know i am the real deal? i may be just an alt myself and she might be the real one..... not real possible because she didn't come until i was an adult but she was evidently working the fact. then charlie got on a kick this morning saying she is bossy and charlie should be in charge cause she has been the longest, even if she is only 6 she is still the longest one and she shouldn't have to listen to the bossy one just cause shes older. and besides if she gets confused she could call Daddy, he would fix it. of course he's all for that mmmhmmm.

well therapy tomorrow... do i want to go? no, but the bossy one will be sure to get me up showered and dressed i'm sure, it'll just be up to me to get there and put on my ain't nothin wrong face for everyone.

wollowing in self pity

2009-01-06T21:51:00.005-09:00

yup that's me today. the lighted moments are so few and far between sometimes i feel like a coal miner trapped in a collapsed shaft just doing time till it's over. one of my physical health problems is COPD that is made worse by my weight. it has been so cold here in alaska the past 2 weeks i literally cannot breathe when i go out side. i have been trapped in my apartment each day closing in on me more and more. Master gets irritated when i try to find ways to go out because he is worried about my breathing... me i am slowly turning into gollum without my pretty.

my alts even have been affected by my mood shift. charlie has taken to being destructive instead of playing with her toys and coloring... my tub drain is frozen and there is standing water in it, she seems to have decided to play i sank the battleship with paper boats and a lighter. when my landlord came to try to thaw it out there were 6 burnt paper boats lifelessly laying on top of the soap scum filled yuck. he actually said wtf??? i had to just shrug and say i don't even know. charlene, who generally is the one i can write to and keep contact with hasn't written me back in a while although i recognize the signs of her being out. i'm not sure if she just doesn't have anything to say or is mad about something. the only one that hasn't been out is chris, maybe because i'm on a downward spiral and not upset, angry or emotionally hurt... three things i think trigger him most. right now i don't think i could take one of his rampages through our lives. the aftermath devastates me for days when i'm on a level playing field.

all day the question keeps popping into my head... how did i become 41 and be in such bad shape? yea ok i do know how but damn.

still time for the kinky xmas stocking

2009-01-06T17:04:00.002-09:00

hey i just checked, seems they extended the drawing until the 8th on the FetLife kinky christmas stocking... hurry and go sign up what the heck it's free and full of lottsa fun stuff.